Day Break Triathlon 2013

Step 1 - Packet Pick Up (the night before the race)

Step 2 - Play at the Park after Packet Pick Up

Step 3 - Finish and Don't Die

Let the Good Times Begin!

Pictures taken June 5, 2013

With the last day of school comes a traditional family gathering to Leatherby's!  This year was no exception.  (Although I couldn't handle my sugar very well and had to opt against icecream.  I went through the same thing when I was pregnant with Peter.)

We were there with my mom, my grandparents, my sister and her family, and my brother's family.  It was a fun group and a great way to kick off the start of summer vacation!  The boys each ordered the banana split off the adult menu.  They were SO huge!  Needless to say, we also brought lots of icecream home with us.

June Started With a Bang

Pictures taken June 1, 2013

Exploding Coke

June started off with a bang - literally.  Ammon went to a birthday party for a cousin and they simultaneously set off twenty coke and mentos explosions.

But that was just one part of our very busy day.

Our Waffle Making Team

We started the morning off right - with waffles!  We haven't had a waffle maker for many, many years, so we were excited to find out that my mom didn't need hers for now, and take it off her hands.  The boys had a great time looking up a recipe and making breakfast together.

Ammon with the birthday boy and the baptism boy.

After breakfast, we went to Michael's baptism.  Things were a little bit crazy, so I never took any pictures.  Michael is the oldest of five children, and the two babies had been in the emergency room all night the night before.  Needless to say, their family and both sets of grandparents were a bit frazzled.  Andy had work that day and had taken half a day off so he could be there for the baptism.  He was giving one of the talks.  He needed to leave directly from the church, so we drove separately.  Somehow, during the drive, Peter came down with a severe stomach ache (probably gas) so that made us a little more frazzled than we should have been.  Somehow, despite all the craziness, it was a beautiful baptism and we were happy to be there to share in the day.

After the baptism, Andy headed off to work, and the boys and I went to Michael's home for a BBQ.  (Still no pictures...)  It was a fun afternoon.  Then we headed home to get changed.  I dropped Peter off at my sister's house.  He was going with Isaiah, Jeremiah and Andrew to the Real Salt Lake soccer game.  (Andrew had to meet them at the game straight from work.)

Setting Up the Experiment

We went back to Michael's house to pick him up and take Ammon and Michael to Will's birthday party in Spanish Fork.  They had a "science experiment" theme and having the coke/mentos explosion was the grand finale of the party.

Fazoli's

Peter's soccer league was all at the RSL game and had the opportunity to go down on the field and have a fun pre-game time.  His ticket came with his participation cost for his team.  We offered to buy a ticket for Ammon as well, but he opted to stay home and have a date night with me instead.  As it turned out, that was great, because he would have had to miss his cousins party otherwise.  But since we got home quite a bit earlier than Andrew and Peter, I decided I still owed Ammon a date.  We headed to Fizoli's - an Italian fast food place that we have pretty much never been to.  I don't know why not!  Ammon LOVES spaghetti, and it was a perfect place to take him.

I wish I had pictures of the guys at the game.  They had a great time, too!

Family Time

When we decided to buy a house, one of the first things that happened was that my husband very enthusiastically went out and bought a fire pit for the yard.  It remained in it's box for 10 months, but we FINALLY decided to pull it out and have an evening of making s'mores with the boys.  Ammon made some awesome double deckers, Peter had a lesson on whittling his own marshmallow roasting stick, and I just sat back and enjoyed watching my family.

Sharing Our News

Pictures taken May 23, 2013

Well, I've been sick for a few months now, and basically feel like I have fallen off the face of the earth.  I'm going through some old pictures and I thought I'd post them starting with where I left off.  We are not secret keepers.  We'd rather just share what's going on with us right away and not worry about who knows what.  So the day after we discovered that there is a baby on the way, we started sharing our news with family.

We didn't necessarily plan to tell everyone, but we were at my parents house that morning and noticed my mom's picture frame.  Long ago she bought a frame that holds ten pictures.  She has been filling it with pictures of her grandchildren.  She was at nine.  I thought it would be fun to leave a little message in the tenth spot.

She came home in the middle of us working on it, and we hurried and set it aside where she would be sure to find it.  She did and was thrilled with the news and quick to congratulate us.  At that point I figured she could just put the frame out where everyone could see it, and people could just glean the news themselves.  But then it seemed strange to everyone that people would just be finding out randomly.  She asked if she should call my dad (who was at work) and I said that I would.

"Hi dad!  I just wanted to let you know that you are going to be getting a new grandchild!"

"Really!!!  That's great!!!  So Katy gets the foster child she was waiting to hear about?"

"Uh, I haven't heard about that yet."

"Oh...  Wait!  You're pregnant!???"

hahaha!  It was a fun and clearly unexpected surprise!

Congratulations, Grandpa - there's another one on the way.

 Andy's parents were both out of town, in different places.  We were able to get a hold of his mom right away.  She was sitting in the airport when we reached her.  Hopefully she'll remember it as one of the best airport experiences ever.  She was thrilled with the news and we each took a turn talking with her.  It was a fun phone call.

After that we tried and tried and tried to reach Andy's dad.  He was visiting his parents in Virginia and they were out for the day and apparently weren't getting good signals.  We finally gave up and went shopping.  To celebrate, we were hoping to find some cute Utah baby clothes.  (Ultimately we didn't find anything we loved AND we realized that it is hard to clothes shop for a baby when you don't know the gender, so we never bought anything.)  We were in the middle of the store when Andy's dad finally returned our call.  We rushed out to the front to Andy could talk with him.  After talking to his dad, Andy also had the chance to share the news with his Grandparents.  His grandpa was excited but immediately knew it was his wife who would be delighted beyond belief.  He immediately handed to phone over to her.  She was so fun!  Andy said he worried that he was giving her a heart attack, she was just so SO excited!

What's so important that you are making us talk to you instead of playing at the park?

 Once all the parents had gotten our news, we decided it was time to tell the boys.  They had been playing with some cousins that afternoon.  There is a park across the street from that house, so we figured we would "borrow" our boys from the cousins for a minute, go tell them in the park, and then let them go back to announce their news.

As it turned out, the cousins weren't able to continue playing anyway, so we ended up picking the boys up and taking them to a different park.  We had been anticipating this moment all day.  The boys have both expressed strong interests in having more siblings.  They have been heart broken the many times they've asked and we've sadly explained that it just didn't seem to be in the cards.  We just knew that they would be THRILLED!!!

The "BIG" reaction!

 We told them they were getting new sibling and they just sat there in shock.  Peter really just didn't understand - after all, we had had many conversations about the fact that my body just doesn't work right and won't make more babies.  Ammon became immediately concerned that he would have an additional person that would take away from his time on the wii...  WOW.  Not the reaction we were expecting at all.  (They have since more than made up for their initial weirdness and, as we would have expected, are now thrilled beyond words.  It just took some time and strange responses for it to all sink in.)

Let's name the baby Slurpee!  No, I know, we can name the baby 7-11!

 After the park, they really wanted to get a Slurpee.  That generated an entirely interesting brainstorming session of all the "awesome" names we could pick for the baby.  We have suggestions such as Warrior, Slurpee, 7-11 and Ranger.  Anything they could randomly think of connected to Power Rangers, a random sign they saw or anything else was thrown out as a possibility.  After that conversation, I don't  know that I would trust these two to name a pet, much less a baby!

You're getting a new cousin!

 We had some plans with Isaiah that evening, so we headed to his house to pick him up.  We took that opportunity to tell him and his sisters.  They were excited, but it was obviously still a pretty abstract concept for them as well.

One person that was especially fun to tell was my brother Joe.  Andrew had been waiting to hear about a promotion he had applied for, and Joe was cheering for him like nothing else and asking him every time we saw him what the update was.  We decided to have Andrew call Joe, knowing that Joe would assume he was calling with job news.

Joe couldn't answer the phone but immediately sent a text, dying for the news he was assuming Andrew was calling about.  Andrew sent a text telling him that I was pregnant.  SO not the news Joe was expecting.  He sent back some questions, but we were driving and about 2 minutes away from our house, so we didn't respond right away.  By the time we got home, Joe was calling Andrew to learn more.  And within about 30 seconds of that phone call, my sister-in-law was calling my phone excitedly wanting details of what was going on.  She said, "Joe just asked me if I heard Andy's news.  When I hadn't, he told me that you are pregnant!!!  And I told him, 'that's not Andy's news - that's Jenny's news!!!'"  Then she had apparently asked him for details and he knew nothing.  Hahaha!  It really wasn't his fault that he hadn't found anything out yet since we hadn't responded to his inquiries, but it was just such a typical husband/wife communication frustration that it cracked me up.

Making the final phone calls.

The day continued with various phone calls and text messaging.  Isaiah and Peter attended a soccer training class and we made our final phone calls there in the park, eventually getting the news out to all our siblings.  It was quite the day!

Turning Six

I originally told Peter he could only have eight people at his party.

(He really wanted party hats and they came in sets of eight.)

We sent out invitations only to realize we forgot key people - like cousins!

His party slowly grew and grew until he ended up with fourteen guests.

Somehow it had ended up as big as Ammon's party.

Only with younger kids.

And before we had a chance to recover from the previous week.

We played soccer, bingo, balloon games, relays and even duck duck goose.

At some points I felt like trying to keep the kids entertained was sheer torture.

Peter had a blast, though, and I'm glad we were able to have so many friends come.

I had made the cupcakes for Ammon's party, and went the easy route with Peter's.

They enjoyed the store bought cupcakes and we did ice cream sandwiches, so that was easy too.

Ultimately, Andrew and I swore to never do back to back parties EVER again.

But they were worth it (this one time.)

Peter had his first real "friend" party and overall, it was a success.

Ammon's Birthday Party (Four Months Late)

I am terrible about throwing parties for my kids birthdays.

This year I promised myself I would do it.

Ammon's birthday is the day after Christmas.

A party totally didn't happen.

So I decided to do it a month later.

That didn't happen either.

I kept meaning to do it, but I never did.

One day Ammon and I were driving.

We were talking about the importance of obedience.

He had mentioned that he loved me.

I explained that I didn't FEEL like he loved me when he was disobedient.

I asked what made him FEEL loved.

He said, "If you give me a birthday party."

It just about broke my heart in two.

I really, really, really meant to!

I just hadn't done it yet.

And so once again I was resolved to throw a party for him.

Only  to have it delayed over and over again.

Then I looked at the calendar and realized it was time to throw Peter a birthday party.

I knew I couldn't do a party for Peter, when I hadn't done one for Ammon yet.

That is how he ended up having a party in April - exactly one week before Peter's birthday.

We had a Power Rangers Samurai theme.

We made swords for everyone and let them lose in the backyard.

Then we had training boot camp.

My husband taught the kids some kicks, punches, and blocks.

After they were properly trained, we had a board breaking demo.

It was a last minute addition to the party.

My husband got some boards and did some breaks with punches and kicks.

Then he took some bricks out to the yard and punched them too.

The kids all swarmed around him and took home pieces of boards for souvenirs.

Apparently the demos were the talk of the town for days and even weeks to come.

After the entertainment, we had a BBQ dinner.

Then we wrapped it up with the traditional presents, cake and icecream.

It was exhausting, but I think we met our goal:

Ammon felt loved.

Field Trip

Peter had a field trip the week after graduation.

I was eager to go with him, glad to know I wouldn't have any school conflicts.

We were assigned two parents to five children.

The other parent I was paired with was my sister-in-law, so that was great!

We had fun traipsing all over the zoo.

I learned all sorts of interesting tid-bits that I had never heard before.

And most importantly, I made great memories with my boy!

Graduation!

The night before Andrew and I were engaged, I had a break down.

It's kind of a funny story.

Andrew had mentioned to a girl from our neighborhood that he was thinking of proposing.

The girl worked at the local grocery store where my mom shopped.

My mom was checking out with her food purchases and was surprised to be congratulated on my engagement.

She came home a little bit upset that she had to find out from someone other than me that I was engaged.

Of course, I wasn't.

But it took a minute to convince my mom.

That night Andrew and I went out on a wonderful date downtown.

We toured the top of the conference center and had a wonderful evening.

But considering the events of the afternoon, the topic of marriage came up.

I brought it up -

By telling him all of the reasons I wasn't ready to get married.

(NO IDEA he was planning to propose in less than 24 hours.)

One of my biggest issues was my education.

I had just finished my associates degree and I didn't know what marriage would do to my education plans.

I wanted to continue on to get my BS degree.

For some reason, in my mind, I had always felt that my educational goals would need to take backseat once I was married.

Andrew assured me that if we were to get married, he would make sure I was able to finish.

The events of the next day are another story in and of themselves.

We were engaged, and Andrew held true to his promise.

We both enrolled in school and continued our educations.

We even took a class together - which was fun!

Sadly, I found my health failing and was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

It is a problem that seems to have been a bad reaction to medication.

The closest things I have had to relapses has been also traceable to medications.

But regardless of the cause, I became completely dysfunctional for a time.

I had to give up school.

I got to the point where I was literally only sleeping and going to work.

And then I got to a point where I couldn't even do that much.

I remember calling Andrew on my lunch breaks sobbing because I was so tired.

Even though I had literally slept for about 15 hours before coming to work.

Eventually I ended up on disability.

Fortunately, I found a specialist who happened to have an intern who recognized the medication I was on and had me drop it immediately.

With that change and a few other adjustments to restore my health, I slowly became a person again.

When I started feeling more confident about my health, my interest in education had waned.

I was ready for motherhood.

It was a scary choice to make - at that point I believed I had CFS.

I was told it could and would come back.

And I was told that having children can made it worse.

But I always knew I would be a mom and when the time felt right, we pursued that choice.

Ammon was born within the year.

Peter took longer to get here.

Ammon was getting older enough that I started to revisit my educational goals.

I was in the process of enrolling for fall semester when I went to the doctor to start fertility work.

He wrote me some prescriptions and I waited for the first day of my next cycle to start them.

That day never came.

I was pregnant.

And once again, I willingly walked away from school.

But after Peter, no more children were coming.

I got pregnant, but miscarried.

For a while I assumed I could get pregnant again whenever I wanted to.

But eventually we learned that it wasn't going to be so easy.

The tumor in my pituitary gland created fertility complications.

And the treatment caused me major health issues.

(Not the least of which was the CFS-seeming relapse.)

The doctor told us that if we wanted to actively attempt pregnancy, I would need medical help.

He said if we wanted to actively prevent, we would need to take precautions.

We were somewhere in the middle.

We wanted more children, but it didn't seem right at the time.

There were years of heartache and tears, but always the Spirit told me no.

What the Spirit did tell me was that it was time to go back to school.

The entire time I was in school, I didn't really know why.

I was playing with two different degrees, but I didn't really want a career.

I wanted to be a mom.

The whole thing seemed kind of pointless at times.

But the experiences of being in school blessed me and it blessed my family.

It was also really hard.

And my husband - true to his word - supported me faithfully.

On the night I took my very last test, I got into the car and started to cry.

I had done it!

And in that moment, all I could think about was that very first promise Andrew made me - 

That he would make sure I finished.

It took longer than either of us had hoped.

But the delays weren't his fault.

(I'm pretty sure the fact that I slept through the first year of our marriage was not his ideal.)

It was a long process of twists and turns, but he stayed true to his word.

In more than ten years, I never had a time when I mentioned wanting to be in school that he wasn't 100% behind me.

The graduation itself was LONG.

Somehow, even though I was in the very front row, I ended up being the fifth from last person called.

I felt terrible torturing the people who had come to support me.

Andrew, Ammon, Peter, my parents, my in-laws, my sister and my grandparents were all there.

Afterwards we had a family BBQ which included some of the people who weren't able to come up to the U.

I always believed that if I finished a Psychology degree I would get my Master's degree too.

I didn't get into the MSW program and I worried I would feel like my degree was a waste.

 But I haven't felt that way at all.

I have been amazed at how much my education is like my mission.

The process of having accomplished this goal, and the experiences I have had in the process seem like they have become a fundamental part of who I am.

I feel like I am better off for my education in a way that can't be defined through a job offer or income.

Though the process was slow and subtle, becoming a college graduate changed me in a way I will always be grateful for.

Easter

Easter was really fun this year.

We "accidentally" ended up with kind of big gifts for the boys - they got scooters.

To make it interesting, Andrew created a treasure hunt for them.

They woke up and received their traditional baskets.

Then we did our normal egg hunt.

But once they found all their eggs, Andrew pulled out a plastic egg with the first clue.

The hunt took them through the house, out into the yard, around to the front and back into the basement.

At the end of it all, they were excited to find their scooters.

We actually bought a scooter for Peter at Christmas.

But then he ended up with enough other stuff, we decided to hold onto it until his Birthday.

A couple of days before Easter Ammon mentioned that he wanted a scooter.

I was surprised.

I felt like the scooter was kind of unnecessary because they already have bikes.

But by this time we had something else we wanted to get Peter for his birthday anyway.

So we went on a quick shopping trip to hunt down a scooter in a price range similar to the deal we got Peter's at.

The one we ended up wasn't quite as cheap, but it was close enough we decided to do it.

As it turns out, scooters are COMPLETELY different than bikes.

The boys love them and ride them EVERYWHERE.

They are super easy to pack up and take to the park, which is SOOO nice!

They also started using the scooters to ride home from school, saving me a trip to pick them up.

I was really leery about whether or not they would be worth it.

I have been glad over and over and over again that we just took the plunge and bough them.

SO worth it!

After church we went to my mom's house.

Every year she does a fun egg hunt for the kids.

We usually avoid doing it ON Easter, but this year schedules were hard.

The kids each have a specifically colored egg that is for them to find.

My mom hides between 1 -2 dozen for each of them.

Some are filled with little candies.

But she also puts "coupons" in the eggs that they trade in for bigger prizes at the end.

She also did a scripture read for the kids once the egg hunt was over.

We weren't able to schedule an actual dinner with Andrew's parents, but we took them food.

After our egg hunt at my mom's house we headed home.

Peggy and Derrick joined us for dessert.

The boys were excited to tell them all about their day.

We had a great time visiting.

Andrew and I had recently experienced the most crazy temple session EVER.

(Seriously a "series of unfortunate events" that were quite hysterical.)

We were practically rolling on the floor telling them about it after the boys were in bed.

It was a great holiday.

Fun Times

It looks like one reason I fell so behind in blogging is that I forgot to take pictures!

Here are a few that cover the second half of February and all of March.

When we got Andrew off the evening shift at work, we re-discovered Friday night.

We made a fun treat and had a family game night.

I love playing games and always consider it a treat when the four of us play together.

Pack Meeting in February was fun.

Somehow we have managed to miss both March and April.

We had a great dinner and a fun time visiting with friends and neighbors.

In March we took advantage of our Clark Planetarium Passes.

It's fun that we have cousins with the same set-up.

We tagged along on their outing.

After hanging out and watching a movie at the planetarium, we walked over to Gateway.

The kids had fun playing in the water.

It was also really fun to find Grandma's name on the Olympic wall.

We were with Nunes cousins, so that is the Grandma we looked up first.

But both Grandma's were volunteers and we found Grandma Shadel's name as well.

The Announcement I Never Thought I'd Make Again

I don't really know where to begin.  This is the announcement I never thought I would get to make again:  I'm pregnant!

The month before this happened, my cycle was longer than normal.  (Longer than MY normal, which is already longer than normal.)  I felt yucky, but I have learned to ignore that.  I have a tumor in my pituitary gland which causes my cycles to be messed up and makes it difficult for me to get pregnant.  I've gotten used to the idea that the longer my cycle goes, the more I start feeling sick.  It has changed my perspective on life because I get into those days where I wait for my period to begin with anticipation.  (Yeah, imagine anticipating THAT.)  Usually I'll wait it out.  Sometimes, though, I start to convince myself that I might actually be pregnant.  That is sheer torture.  I don't want to get my hopes up because the reality is that I never am. But I don't want to convince myself that I don't really want to be pregnant because, well, what if?  When my head gets to that point, I just use a test from the dollar store and confirm the negative.  In the beginning, before I had the tumor diagnosed and really understood how messed up my hormones are, I took as many as five tests and still wouldn't believe the results.  All the symptoms would be there.  I'd convince myself that perhaps I tested too early, so I'd try again a few days later.  Again, and again and again.  But after years of this juggle I've learned to trust the negative.  No matter how I feel or what my symptoms, the negative test is always right.

And that's what happened last month.  I took a test, it was negative, and a few days later my body got with the program and we started a new cycle.

One afternoon, a few weeks later, I was out for a walk with my boys along the Jordan River Parkway Trail.  They were on their scooters and I was trying to keep up.  I got insanely sick and had to sit down on the trail.  For several minutes I thought I was going to lose everything.  I started dry heaving into the bushes off the side of the trail.  But the problem with that was that I had nothing to lose.  I had eaten very little that day and though I was astonished that a simple walk could make me so incredibly ill simply due to lack of food, it was obvious that I needed to be careful about eating better if I was going to be out walking.  I had gotten so sick that I called the boys back, sent them in the direction of the park, and continued to sit/crawl along the trail for a few moments.  Andrew was just getting off of work and I almost started to cry when he called.  I told him how sick I was and we decided that he would pick up some take out on his way home and just meet me right there in the park - I wouldn't even try to get the boys home by myself.  I finally made it back to a bench near the slides and waited for him to arrive.  Wow.  Lesson learned:  don't go for a walk without eating well first.

When I graduated, I was ready to tackle the house and get things in order.  I was surprised at how little I seemed to be able to accomplish when the time came.  I was worn out and just couldn't seem to get myself going.  I had volunteered to do a lot of extra things at the boys school, so I was a different kind of busy, but I still had envisioned myself getting more done than I was doing.  Ultimately I just did what I could, and slowly I at least felt like I was making a dent in some of my cleaning projects.

One night, soon after that, I had a really vivid dream.  I saved a baby and I just remember holding her in my arms and somehow, by saving her, she became mine.  It was a tangibly sweet feeling and I woke up with the sensations still in my heart.  The very next night I had another dream about saving a baby and having that baby be mine.  "How funny," I thought.  "Vivid dreams can occur during pregnancy."  And then I moved on because I am never pregnant.

A few days later I had this sudden sensation that someone was missing from our family.  It caught me by surprise and almost took my breath away.  I had heard of people who have experienced feeling that way, but I never had before.  I wondered if it was an impression of a more spiritual nature, but told myself that it was probably just a response to those dreams and I shrugged the thought away.

I started feeling really queasy, but by this time I was REALLY overdue for my period to start.  I knew that the illness I felt was definitely hormonal and I was just really really ready for that period to come so I could feel better again.  "This darn tumor," I complained to myself.

Then Peter threw up.  "Oh,"  I thought, "Maybe I have the flu and I'm actually sick?"  His bug ran it's course in about 24 hours.  The night he was feeling better, I started feeling worse.  I stayed home from church and we skipped a friends baptism because we didn't want to spread the germs.  But then I continued to feel worse and worse.

The week before I got really nauseous, Andy would come home from work every evening and give me a concerned look.  "Are you OK?" he would ask.  I would shrug and with a confused look I'd tell him, "I'm fine - just a little bit tired, I guess."  He would look at me questioningly, but accept my response.

Finally I started to put it all together.  The fatigue, the illness, the breast tenderness, the cravings (I suddenly wanted hamburgers and eggs) and the food aversions (I got to the point where I couldn't look at dirty dishes in my kitchen without turning green and though I went through an unusual phase of wanting burgers, the idea of meatballs or anything with ground beef is now revolting to me).  So like I said - I finally put it all together:  it's the tumor.  I need to go back to the doctor and start medicating this thing.

I mentioned to my mom how sick I had been.  She hopefully said, "Maybe you're pregnant!"  I just looked at her and explained, "Mom, I have learned to not even wonder about that - for me, pregnancy symptoms just means my hormones are messed up because of the tumor."

But I did wonder.  I wondered a lot.  Because in all my years of false pregnancy symptoms, there had never been so many and they had never been so extreme.

Still, I couldn't believe it.

The next morning I was making breakfast for the kids, and I was so overcome with a wave of nausea that I had to drop to the floor right then and there and just wait it out.  It passed, we went on with our morning - got Ammon to school and Peter and I went for a walk around Day Break Lake with my sister and my mom.

Watching my "baby" play at the park with no idea that in less than an hour I would learn a NEW baby would be joining our family.

After our walk, my sister took Peter home with her and I found myself driving alone, knowing that the dollar store was minutes from my house and that I had to go to the bathroom anyway.  The timing was perfect.

I grabbed a test and asked myself, "If I am pregnant, am I really ready to know?"  And I shrugged the question away because it is always negative, and I just needed to have evidence of that so I didn't get all worked up over the possibilities.

I got home and without even thinking about it, I took the test.  Before I could even really realize what I had done, the test was lighting up with the most obvious positive I have ever had.  Wow - as much as I "knew", I really didn't see that coming!

I knew I wouldn't be able to reach Andy right away, so with my hands shaking I called my sister.  She answered and I just blurted out, "I'm pregnant!"

Then we both just went crazy with shock, disbelief and excitement.  She asked me when the baby was due and I had no idea.  On the way home from the dollar store I had actually wondered about that.  In years past, I would have known exactly what the possible due date would have been.  I didn't even have a rough estimate.  She pulled out her computer and looked it up.  WORST due date ever.  This baby is on the exact same timeline as Ammon was.  We are most likely looking at a baby between Christmas and New Years.  (We already have four birthdays in our extended family in that week and it is a terrible time of year to have a birthday.)

But lousy birthday or not - we are having a baby!  It is an unbelievable shock, puts us headed in a completely different direction than we were expecting, and as I tell this story, I couldn't feel more blessed.  What a crazy and unexpected miracle!

Comics

I recently found this silly little Facebook app that lets you make an avatar of yourself and design silly little comics with it.  I had fun playing around with it and thought I was pretty clever when I came up with Andrew wearing a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses.  Anyone who knows him for two minutes knows that he is OBSESSED with Oakley sunglasses.  Ray Ban is, by default, the hated nemesis.

I just thought this was a little light-hearted humor but Andrew was MORTIFIED to be plastered all over Facebook in something other than Oakley's.  He came home from work determined to get me back.  And as I heard him muttering about his plans, I realized just how serious he is about his sunglasses!  Revenge was on his mind.

I was surprised when I would occasionally glance over to his computer screen to see a scene of him handing me flowers, or something else equally romantic intertwined with times of seeing more unsettling backdrops.  As the evening wore on his need for revenge wore off and he eventually finished his design.

Andrew and I spent our dating days taking an Astronomy class together.  I needed a Physics credit to finish off my associates degree and I asked him if he would pick a science class we could take together.  He deliberately avoided his physics class his first semester in college to wait until I returned home from my mission and take a class with me during the spring semester.  We were engaged in June and we spent that summer sitting out on the deck, watching stars (and planes which sometimes got confused with stars...)

The more I look at these cheesy little comic, the more I am touched not only by what it says on the surface, but by the rich history of our courtship that it takes me back to.  Twelve years later, he is still looking forward to those simple moments under the stars with me.  I really want to print this out and frame it.  The more I look at this dumb little picture, the more my heart is ready to burst with gratitude for my perfect match.  He is amazing!  I feel so lucky in love!

Paradigm Shift

The other night I couldn't sleep.  We had been out to a movie, enjoyed great company, picked the boys up from playing with their cousins LATE into the night, and I was exhausted and ready for bed.  But somehow, my day didn't feel done, and I spent an hour restlessly tossing and turning before finally getting back up.

I like to sit at my computer and play dumb games like Solitaire.  I have always been a huge Solitaire player - even before it became popularized by computer versions.  To justify this incredible waste of time, I like to go to lds.org and listen to General Conference talks.  This was my intent, but as I pulled it up, I noticed that the front page featured a recent CES devotional by Elder Bednar.  I used to love attending these back when I was a young single adult, but I haven't made a practice of listening to the messages since that time.  I decided to give it a try, and I am so glad I did!

The message was called "That we might not... shrink."  It seemed a strange title to me, but I clicked the button anyway, and started my game.

Elder Bednar started talking about Elder Maxwell.  He gave a brief background of who Elder Maxwell is.  (Am I really so old that there are now young single adults who don't KNOW Elder Maxwell?)  He spoke of an opportunity he had to ask Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his battle with cancer.  Elder Maxwell responded, "Dave, I have learned that it is better to not shrink than to survive."

I still didn't really get it.  But Elder Bednar went on to explain.  He spoke of visiting a young couple in the hospital.  The husband had been diagnosed with cancer just three weeks after they were married.  The prognosis was not good.  After a brief visit, this young husband asked Elder Bednar for a blessing.  Elder Bednar said he was happy to serve in that way, but was surprised when he was prompted to first ask questions.

"Do you have the faith to NOT be healed."

You may already be familiar with the talks But if Not and Come What May and Love It.  The message is similar.  Somehow this presentation, though, helped me make a stronger connection to the doctrine of the atonement and the strength of faith in applying this principle.

The talk was beautifully presented and seemed very pertinent to me right now.

For the past year I have said that I had the faith to NOT get into graduate school.  But I really felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing in pursuing this path, and the rejection has stung.  Still, my first thought upon learning that I wasn't accepted was to turn to this little video message:

Despite an initial acceptance of missing out on this path, I soon allowed myself to get lost in the discouragement   After a week or two of wallowing in distress, I began to feel a bit better.  I'm afraid to admit that a good portion of that mental improvement is conditioned on some exciting potentials my husband is experiencing at his work.

I needed the reminder of the lesson I feel that I have already learned a million times over in my short life.  "But if not," and "come what may and love it" weren't strong enough.  I needed to be instructed to "not shrink".

When I was twelve years old, my seven year old cousin was hit by a car while riding his bike.  As an extended family, we decided to fast for him.  Fasting is always a sacrifice, especially when you are twelve, but it seemed easy enough when put into perspective of what it was for.  We would skip breakfast and lunch, go to church, and then eat dinner shortly after getting home.  This was manageable.

I arrived at my Young Women's meeting - the last hour of the church schedule, to learn that for the first and only time in my entire Young Women's experience, we were going to leave the church building for an object lesson at our leaders home.  The object lesson was a beautiful gourmet breakfast like nothing I had ever before seen.  In my memory, I view it the same way as the feast was described in The Little Princess.

Suddenly this manageable sacrifice seemed very impossible.  I had decided to fast before I knew all the facts.  Had I known this breakfast was going to happen, I would have planned to fast on another day.  My fast was just a few short hours from being over.  Surely it would be OK to end it early considering the unexpected change in circumstances...

As I considered these thoughts, I somehow had a greater resolve to stick with my commitment.  I stayed true to my fast until we came together as a family to end it.

This is where the story gets interesting to me.  Just a few days later, my Aunt decided that it was time to take her son off of life support.  There was no chance for recovery.  My cousin died.

I have always wondered how my life might have changed if I had broken my fast.  I think I would have always carried the silent guilt of "knowing" that I was the reason our faith wasn't enough.  Instead, I always carried the secret confidence that I demonstrated greater faith and obedience to the law of the fast than I realized was in me, and that because of that, I was confident that the Lord's will had prevailed.  What could have been a terribly upsetting and disillusioning experience, became a great teaching moment in my life.

I look back on these past few years and wonder what it was all for.  Why did I choose the classes I chose and take the path that I did?  Logically, there are things that could have been done differently that may have made the critical difference.  There is the temptation to second guess myself.  But I was there, through those years, and I know how diligently I sought the will of the Lord each and every semester.  I know how earnestly I pleaded to know His plan and then, upon receiving answers,  went to work to try to follow it.  Obedience is the key to accepting the possibility that you may "not survive".  Through faith in the atonement and obedience to whatever direction I receive from the Lord, I know that to "not shrink" is the greatest path of all.

In life there is knowing, and there is doing.  I think I know.  And I even have some experience in the doing.  But every test is different somehow, even when it seems so familiar.  Wish me luck as I continue to try to "do".

The Clouds are Breaking and the Sun is Shining

Yesterday I woke up and felt as if the cloud had lifted.  I am happy to report that today continues to be filled with optimism.

This next week is my Spring Break and I am so excited for a mini vacation from classes.  I have been concerned with how increasingly burned out I have gotten with school.  Before this semester began I was scared and overwhelmed with the thought of graduate school.  It seemed like a big and daunting goal, and the schedule sounded exhausting.  Trying to figure out how to balance it with a family was something I really couldn't even face.  As this semester trudged forward, I became even more intimidated at the prospect.  I was getting major senior-itis, and was increasingly concerned about my stamina in jumping straight into another 5+ semesters.  I have been doing school for a LONG time.  I am pretty darn sick of it.  So while the rejection completely sucked, and my wind was punched out even harder when learning why I didn't get accepted, the relief at not having school next year is so completely genuine.

But then came a new anxiety.  Another issue that we have been facing is our own personal fiscal cliff.  For months we have seen it approaching and have panicked and prayed about what to do.  We have spent time in the temple, we have fasted, we have pondered.  With me feeling like school was my path, we had the idea of school loans in the back of our mind even though we were hoping for another solution.  When I didn't get into school, I had to wonder if that was an answer to our financial concerns.  It meant I could get a job.  And suddenly there was a whole new stress and anxiety as my life seemed to be forcing me in a direction that I wasn't completely sure I wanted to go.

After a lot of thought and prayer, Andrew and I have decided to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to put off me working until next fall.  It might mean he needs to take on a second job.  It might mean that we continue to wrack up debt over the summer months.  Heck, it might mean both.  But I have been so much more at peace since we have made this decision.  Once school starts for the boys next fall, it will be much easier for me to feel like they are getting the parenting they deserve AND I am simultaneously making the financial contribution our family needs.  And who knows, by then maybe our income will have changed and our situation won't be quite so desperate.

The other day as we were facing different choices, Andrew very genuinely said, "I don't know where I would be without my mom."  He has been taking it really personally that I have felt the need to work.  It is heartbreaking to  him.  I was really touched to see this extend beyond macho pride and be more about his desire to not only provide for his family financially, but his strong belief that my role in the home can make such a pivotal difference in the lives of our children.  Andrew has always been a big supporter of me doing whatever it is I want to do.  And when I say he is supportive, I mean that he puts his money where his mouth is.  He has spent countless hours single parenting our children - taking care of laundry, dishes and meals.  He has cleaned the house, done the vacuuming, ran the errands, and helped me with my assignments.  He has also always trusted me to find the right balance between family and personal goals.  He feels so discouraged that we both want me to be able to stay home and that neither of us really feel like I can in our current situation.  But like I said - we will postpone that reality for a few more months regardless of what it takes.  I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to a fun summer with my kids!

Not getting into graduate school has been heartbreaking.  I am starting to remember, though, that my worth as a person is based on more than my educational success.  As I earnestly strive to do what is right, the knowledge has been reaffirmed that Heavenly Father is over all, and He WILL take care of us.  I cannot even begin to express the number of times He has already proven that to me  as an individual and to us as a family.  We have been blessed beyond comprehension so many times before, and I am certain those blessings will continue to be showered on us.  Heavenly Father is loving and generous and I trust Him.

Life is good.

Lost

I am getting more and more certain that I have to walk away from an amazing (potential) opportunity.  It is seriously killing me!

I applied and was interviewed for a job that I think I would LOVE.  The company is called The Brain Balance Center, and they work with people who have ADHD, Autism, and other neurological disorders.  While the science behind it is unsubstantiated in terms of formal research, I find the approach compelling and would love to learn more about it on the front lines.

When I heard that they were coming to South Jordan to open a new center, I was excited.  When I learned that they were hiring for a director, my mind started spinning a mile a minute.  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be involved in the integration of this company into my community.  I feel like I have the skills and abilities to join with the franchise owner and really make it a success.  

But I also know it would take over my life.

I would be working 45-50 hours a week, and most of those hours would be after my kids are home from school.  It would be the never-ending job.  I would not be able to be the kind of mom I want to be if I wanted to run the center even half of how I was hired to run it, much less how I would WANT to run it.

Arg.  I can't tell you how distressed I am right now to have to choose between the perfect dream job in my most ideal niche of psychology versus my truest dream of raising my kids.  The timing of this decision only exasperates my misery as I am reeling from feelings of failure and discouragement.  How awesome would it be to pick myself up after being rejected from graduate school and turn around to become a DIRECTOR at this awesome clinic.  The title alone is awesome, much less the financial contribution I could make to my family, and the personal fulfillment of the work.

But I just can't.  I am sick to death over it, but rather than being excited about the prospect of this AMAZING job opportunity, I am increasingly  miserable when I consider it.

And lost.

I am just not sure where to go, or what to do next and I feel SO very discouraged and lost.

Rejection Yields Depression

A week ago, out of the blue, I received an e-mail I was not expecting.  The decision had been made on my graduate school application and it was ready to review.  I had been told that a first wave of acceptance letters were sent out in February, and I knew this must be it.  I took a deep breath wondering what I was really getting myself into.  I was amazed and scared at the undertaking - at finally having to face the reality of going to graduate school.  It was a prospect that had scared and overwhelmed me on so many levels.  And here it was, becoming a reality on a regular Monday morning with Peter fighting for my attention as I tried to pull up the website.  And in the midst of all of these overwhelming thoughts and swatting Peter away from the computer screen, I read those telling words, "We regret to inform you."

A part of me was stunned.  A part of me wants to think I knew.  The relief I had always said would come upon getting denied was there even more than I had predicted.  And the heartache at losing a dream hit harder than I was prepared for.  I cried a lot that day.  In fact, the next day Peter noticed that my nose was peeling from having spent so much time blowing it the day before.

The second day I was fine.  Until that evening.  But, as the song says, "the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder.  As they tear your hope apart - as they turn your dream to shame."  I was once again swallowed up in that devastation of loss.  I looked out the window and saw the beautiful moonlight and it somehow soothed my aching soul.

The timing of my rejection had been interesting.  The day before had brought an awareness of a company moving to South Jordan.  I had thought about how fun it would be to work there, but immediately dismissed the thought, thinking it would be impossible with school.  Monday night I asked about employment opportunities and was encouraged to apply.  By Thursday I had an interview scheduled.  It almost seems meant to be.

I had the interview today, and I am more depressed than ever.

The job has the potential of being a dream job to me.  Except for one thing:  I have a life.  They are looking for someone who can work 45-50 hours - and a lot of them in the evening.  Ugh.  It is a job I think I *could* love.  But it doesn't seem like the right time in my life to take it on.  (Which isn't even an option right now, as I haven't been offered the job.  I just can't even decide if I really want it.)  I feel like this job would take me away from my family so much more than I am ready for.  One of the biggest consolations of not getting into graduate school is the freedom of being able to focus more on my kids.  This job would completely reverse that perk.

Andrew is bummed out that we both feel that I *need* to work.  He has always been supportive of me pursuing whatever career goals I did or didn't have.  He wants me to do whatever I want to do.  But he hates that our current situation pretty much obligates me to work.

I am discouraged.  I spent years trying so hard to find the right path.  I *finally* felt like I knew what I was supposed to do.  For the entire process I knew that it was more likely I would be rejected than be accepted.  I was prepared for that.  I thought I had a backup.  "Get a job."

But needing to get a job just puts me back on that road of, "I don't know where I'm going or how to get there."  I am in the dark once again, only able to take one step at a time.

I have felt comforted this past week as I reviewed the path I have been on.  I have been confident that I did everything the way I should.  I felt comfortable that the outcome was not something I should have controlled differently.  There has been peace in that.

But today I just feel like a failure.

I am sad.  I am overwhelmed.  I don't know where to go or what to do.  I am not excited about any prospects.  The fact that I have a dream job dangling in front of me is just all the more a mockery that it isn't *actually* what I want.  What I want - and have always wanted - is to be at home raising a family.  I tried to juggle it with school as long as I could.  That seemed a legitimate justification to avoid becoming a "working mom".  But my excuses have run out, and we need more money.  Reality has hit, and I need to figure out where to go from here.  Time to learn a new juggling act as I balance the need for income, the fulfillment of work, and the schedule of family.  I know things will work out.  But right now I am waiting for my friends Ben and Jerry to come console me.

Little Things

Yesterday I went up to the U to take a test.  Due to traffic congestion caused by an accident, I decided to take some back roads on my way home.  It helped that we used to live up there and I knew my way around.  I found myself passing landmarks that took me back to a time that Andrew and I had walked that road together.  The housing association had offered free babysitting and we were fortunate to get on the list before it filled up.  We dropped our kids off and decided to walk three miles to Red Mango for our date.  It was such a fun evening.  If I remember correctly, it was early fall.  The rain started to drizzle on us, but we had a great time together.  The memory was precious and I was filled with a quiet joy as I continued my drive home.

This morning I stayed snuggled in my bed for as long as I wanted.  Andrew had long since gotten up and headed in to work.  But before I left, he said a prayer with me and made sure I had an extra blanket or two. It's always harder to stay warm once he is up and out of bed.  The house was quiet and peaceful.  Andrew had taken care to buy blueberry bagels for the boys.  They were a "special treat" for Saturday breakfast.  Yesterday I heard Andrew show the bagels to each of the boys and explain, "These are for you to eat so that you can be quiet in the morning and let Mom sleep as long as she wants."  It worked!  Even while he was gone to work, he was taking care of me.  I feel so spoiled!

I walked into the kitchen and thought back to yesterday.  He and Peter had gotten up before Ammon and me and gone to the store.  They came back equipped with all the ingredients to make a delicious breakfast.  As we ate Andrew told me, "The strawberries and cream cheese in the fridge are for Sunday, so don't use them."  As a Valentine gift to me he had learned how to make crepes  - and he is already planning to do it again.

I pulled out my magic bullet to blend up a smoothie for breakfast.  My bullet had been leaking for a month or so and it just hadn't been as much fun to use anymore.  Yesterday, while I was taking my test, he had loaded up all the pieces (there are tons) and took the bullet back to Cost Co to exchange it for me.  Then, he took the boys out to a movie.

When he came home, we spent the evening working in the kitchen together.  He grilled up burgers outside and then transferred them to his indoor griddle where they became patty melts.  While he was doing that, I had fun chopping up Oreos in my new Bullet and mixing up an extravagant pudding mixture for the dessert Peter had requested - dirt.

After our family ate, Andrew started loading the dishes into the dishwasher.  He explained, "I haven't done a lot of dishes since we've been married, and I decided it's about time I started helping with these."  (As if his cooking two of the meals hadn't been enough of a contribution...)

Last month, with Valentine's Day quickly approaching, I realized that every day feels like Valentine's Day.  I look back on these past two days and realize why.  I have a husband who spends his days striving to care for me and pamper me in small and simple ways.  It is just a part of who he is and how he treats me.  For him, it is routine.

After eleven years of being married, I am filled with awe that I can drive around town or even just look around my house and be overwhelmed with reminders of his love for me.  Sometimes he feels bad that we haven't been able to do the bigger things in life - you know - the ones that cost lots of money.  But I am so very happy and spoiled by all the little things.  I wouldn't give this up for all the money in the world.