Unexpected Changes

It was a regular Wednesday afternoon when Jon called me, almost desperate in his pleas for information, "Do you know what is happening with Grandpa?"

I was confused and asked what he meant. Not a week earlier Grandpa had attended Thanksgiving at my parents home - the first time since he had gone to the VA Home that Grandma had felt comfortable bringing him there. I had been meaning to call someone to get more specific details on how the day had gone, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet.

Jon explained his question citing a text his mom had forwarded to him having originated from Grandma.

"Fred's condition Fyi: please don't call me right now because I really can't talk just now. Fred's health has been failing for the past few weeks and hospice is going to care for him now. He has pneumonia and is being given antibiotics. He is receiving breathing treatments and is on oxygen. He doesn't wake up and they are not able to give him anything to eat or even give him his medicine. They will give him medicine intravenously as well as comfort meds. I don't know if he will rally or if this is the beginning of the end. Please pray for comfort for him. I just thought you should know."

Now I was truly baffled. I hadn't been aware of Grandpa's failing health and though I had heard that he had been sleeping more and more and had been harder and harder to wake, the most recent theory I had been aware of for that behavior was that it was a medication issue and they were hoping to resolve it with some changes in what he was taking.

With both of us completely confused, I told Jon that I would call my mom immediately and see what she might know (since Grandma lives there with her).

My mom was as surprised as I had been at the line of questioning and had no additional information. While we were talking, another call started coming in so she hung up in case it was pertinent to the puzzling text. As it turned out, it was Katy calling to talk about something else, but in that time, my mom also received a copy of the text from Grandma. In almost the same moment I received the identical text from both Jon and my Mom. Grandma had first sent the news to the Cochrane side of the family and was now dispersing it to the rest of us.

I was back on the phone with my mom and within minutes she was heading up to the VA Home in Ogden. All we knew was that Grandma had asked that no one call her, so we weren't sure if Mom would be intruding, but we felt that it was important someone get up there. On the Cochrane side of the family, Christy had also headed that direction from Tooele.

I started a string on Facebook in our private family group just in case anyone had more information they could post it for everyone and then I sat back and started anxiously wringing my hands, waiting.

Grandma got on Facebook and clarified that my mom was more than welcome to visit. She elaborated that she was simply too emotional to field any phone calls.

When mom got there she heard the professionals (nurses, hospice staff etc) talking with Grandma. At some point they said, "3-4 days." Everything got very real at that point. I knew what that meant but I didn't want to believe it until it was spelled out for me, I called my dad with the update and his reaction was the same as mine, "3-4 days for what? Until he is better?" This was happening really fast.

Andrew came home for lunch and I filled him in on the events of the morning. We discussed who would fly south in the case of a funeral. I started looking up flights and found that the soonest I would likely be able to get there was Saturday night.

Grandpa's room turned into grand central station as everyone who was moderately near him took the time to pay him a visit. This was really happening - everyone was gathering to say their goodbyes.

Grandma had a really rough night taking care of Grandpa. She swabbed his mouth and cleaned him up as he coughed up gunk. She didn't sleep at all.

Andrew convinced me to go ahead and book my flight. I didn't know how long I would be gone for. Afterall, Grandpa had pulled through some near-death situations plenty of time before. There was a part of me that wanted to believe this was just another false-alarm. Grandpa had conditioned me to believe that he was going to live forever. But underneath that emotional response, my mind firmly knew that this time was different.

Susie came down from Idaho and visitors continued to pour in. Against all logic, Katy and her girls decided to head back up there at 9:00 at night. Katy kept trying to put it off until the next day but Carolyn was adamant that they go right then. I thought I should call Katy and ask her to keep me updated but at the last minute I decided to text Carolyn and requested that she be the one to keep me apprised of everything that was happening.

When she got there she sent me this text:

"Grandpa is very close to dying. Probably between now and another hour. He looks up and is staring at something. We think it's an angel. I can't text anymore. Grandpa is close to dying and we are keeping it reverent." This text came through at 8:05 my time - 10:05 in Utah.

I was so moved by this text. Knowing that there was such a calm, peaceful feeling in the room brought me a lot of comfort. I decided to share that peace with Jon and sent him a text to relay the information from Carolyn.

For Grandma and Grandpa's sakes I hoped that they were right about him dying within the hour. Dying doesn't always happen quickly and can become a long, drawn out process. At this point Grandma hadn't slept in over 30 hours and I knew she wouldn't rest anytime soon if Grandpa was still alive. And Grandpa was peaceful and doing well- I wanted him to go on a positive note like that one.

But I worried about Jon, He really wanted to see Grandpa one last time. He wouldn't make it to Utah until Saturday afternoon.

As we were texting, Jon mentioned that he was really conflicted because he wanted to see Grandpa, but mostly he just wanted Grandpa to be at peace and not suffer. That was at 8:11 my time.

We were still conversing by text when we each received word, "He is gone,"

Fred Carl  Cochrane - my Grandpa - died on December 4 at 10:13 PM (8:13 my time). It was sudden. It went fast. I was so comforted by having just been told what a reverent and peaceful feeling was in the room where he was.

For those of us who miss him I am heartbroken. But for Grandpa - I am happy. And I am so grateful to know that we will be together forever someday.

Resting

When we first talked about moving to Alaska I felt compelled towards the choice through the spirit. I *knew* it was the right thing to do even though the thought of leaving extended family and our home in West Jordan was heartbreaking. I referenced a song about a climb and that it isn't so much about the destination as the journey. I felt as if our time in West Jordan, though it had some hard moments - particularly on a financial level - had been a resting spot for us and that it was time to get back up and keep "climbing". So, acting in faith we moved anticipating that we would see the blessings through the trials of the move. And, as it turns out, I was woefully wrong.

We loved Ketchikan. Andrew had never been so happy with work and the financial strain had been anticipated. Life there wasn't perfect, but the trials were forgettable at most and it was restful.

Then we moved to Craig.

Andrew loves his job even more, his income is better, our home is nicer, his schedule is better, the area is even more beautiful, we already feel like we have more friends and are having an easier time integrating ourselves into the life here.

Lately my days seem bursting with joy. I've even come to enjoy and appreciate the early nightfall. When I first moved to Ketchikan someone who had lived there pretty much her whole life commented that she loved winter because she felt like it was a time when her family was just snuggled up in a cozy blanket of peace. This year I get that. (I think having Andrew home an hour earlier helps the evenings feel like peaceful family time instead of like time of me just trying to keep sanity with three kids on my own...) The darkness falls, scented candles are lit, Christmas music plays... It's all very picturesque.

Life seems good. My marriage is good, my husband has good employment that he enjoys and that makes decent money, My children are happy and are finding interests, activities and friends that they enjoy. I have peaceful time to enjoy the beautiful scenery and the peace of life which is often interrupted by my little miracle baby who brings me so much joy.

I've been listening to Christmas music and can't help but feel blessed. Then, on occasion, a song will come on that reminds me that things are this easy for everyone - that things haven't always been this easy for me. And I am certain that there will be years in the future, just as there have been years in the past, where life will seem more difficult.

But for now, I am relishing in what is promising to be the best holiday season ever. Life has had challenges. There have been difficult years. But right now I am filled with joy and peace. I am at rest.

Continuing on in our Educational Journey

For us, home school was an inspired decision. It was an answer to heartfelt prayers and has been a wonderful experience. There have been many benefits that have come from this lifestyle choice, but to me, the most important one was smoothing yet another transition for my children as we uprooted them once more and moved to a new home. 

Deciding to homeschool is a choice they had made last spring. It wasn't without a bit of sadness that they said goodbye to their school friends and teachers, knowing that they wouldn't be back in the fall. But it was on their own terms and because of their own choice and so the sadness of change, though it was there, was manageable and just part of the equation of choosing something new that they were looking forward to.

Once fall came, homeschool brought unexpected benefits. I have loved watching my boys absorb knowledge and come alive with wanting to apply everything in life to learning. I have gained a better understanding of what level they are at with various subjects and therefore have better insight about their individual educational needs. I have loved the hours of time I have been able to spend with them and the fact that a cranky hour here or there has turned into such a small percentage of our time together instead of filling what was previously our rare opportunities to be with each other.

When we moved I saw homeschool doing for us exactly what I had hoped. The transition was an easy one. We were sad to say goodbye to neighbors and friends from church, but the boys had already said goodbye to their friends at school; they had already detached themselves from their community. They were ready and prepared to move.

We have moved a lot and these boys have made the transitions well. It's been hard for these kids, year after year, to go in fresh as the new kids, and start all over making friends. Last year was the first year that we upped the challenge by not only bringing them to a new school, but by arriving after the school year had already started. I am so glad we didn't have to force that on them again!

But now we are here in Craig, settling in to a new home, and little promptings started coming again. EVERYONE we have met in Craig has been extremely supportive about our homeschooling. But over and over again I kept feeling like we are supposed to be more involved in the community by being enrolled in the school. Week after week I felt like it was all I was hearing about at church - not because it is what was being said, but because that was what I was being taught by the spirit.

After weeks of ignoring this thought, the kids and I finally went and took a tour of the elementary school here. We LOVED it. And most importantly, I felt washed over with a strong sense of peace.

I am so grateful that because of our homeschooling journey, Ammon and Peter were able to feel more in control of their lives. They CHOSE to leave Houghtaling and now they are CHOOSING to enter a new school. As a parent I feel so relieved to not have ripped them away from old friends and to not be forcing them into a new unknown. Change is always hard. But the challenge is less when we are facing change out of our own choice.

They start their new school on Monday. A part of me is sad. Really, really sad. A part of me is relieved and wants to have a party thinking of all the "free time" I imagine myself suddenly having. But mostly I'm just really grateful for personal revelation because logic and reason just can't flush out all the things that are unknown to me but that our Heavenly Father is mindful of and guiding us through.

Veteran's Day Family Outing - Cemetery Island Park

Our address is 105 Cove Rd. This is a picture taken on Cove Rd just before it bends around and become 9th street which takes us out onto the main road. This picture doesn't capture my favorite view here, but I have really fallen in love with the scene I see along this road every time I leave my house.

9th street isn't very long and it basically has the pier and then this old abandoned building. We moved here just weeks before Halloween and it seemed like it had a good "spooky" element to it. But really, I think it just adds a rustic charm to the street.

After going out on the main street, we walk past the pier that is near our house and then cross the street to another pier.

At that point we take the first right hand turn and travel down this road.

This road will take us one of three places - all of which we have done.

The first option is to take a left hand turn a ways up the road and continue on to the church.

The second option is to turn left at the end of the road. This leads to what the locals call "the loop" and basically loops around back to the main road.

The third option is what we did today - take a right at the end of the road to head out to Cemetery Island.

This is a picture of Cemetery Island.

You have probably already realized that it isn't truly an island as we can travel to it by land.

However, it is just a narrow road with water on each side that gets us out there, so it kind of seems like it's own island.

Coming up to the end of the road.

Turn left for the loop, right for Cemetery Island.

The pavilion at the crossroads.

On the narrow road to Cemetery Island.

Looking back towards Craig.

Looking ahead to the park.

The other side of the road (back facing Craig and the park).

Horse shoes

Moving to Craig

Several months ago my cousin Jon, who is a Wells Fargo Store Manager in Bethel Alaska, called Andrew and told him that some openings for management would be coming up in his region as early as September. We had moved to Ketchikan with the idea that a promotion would come up in about a year and a half, give or take a few months. September was the one year mark from Andrew starting his personal banker training - we didn't even get to Alaska until October 8, 2013. This news from Jon certainly accelerated our expectations. Then, just after we arrived back in AK from our summer trip to Utah, Jon let Andrew know that there was an opening in King Salmon, AK. It was a single seller in a very remote area with a population of about 300 people. We really wrestled over whether or not we should apply for that position and ultimately we opted against it. We felt really good about just letting that one go. The day after we made that decision, Jon called Andrew to let him know that Nome was opening up. Nome was a different situation than King Salmon. It had bank housing, a huge differential, a strong LDS branch, and an awesome (Wells Fargo) District President who lived right there for great mentoring opportunities. Jon said it was too good a potential to pass up and the contrast between how we felt about Nome vs King Salmon was stark. We felt very good about trying for it and after Andrew got back from helping his dad move to Texas, he applied.

As it turned out, he didn't get the job. BUT he got some valuable feedback and good practice interviewing for a management position. Andrew put in a few other applications for some bigger stores in Fairbanks and Anchorage.

Then came the opening for Craig. While we wanted to stay in Ketchikan, staying in South East Alaska seemed like the next best option. Craig seemed about as good as it was going to get. We applied and tried to wait patiently for the interview to be scheduled. Once it was scheduled, we started investigating housing options. We couldn't find a thing! By this time school was starting and routines were starting to be developed. We were home schooling to try to make a potential move easier on us, but in the mean time there were things like swimming lessons, basketball leagues etc that I wasn't sure whether or not we should sign up for. I was starting to feel homesick, mostly because I was starting to feel like I didn't have a home. I didn't know how long I was going to be in Ketchikan, but I didn't know where I'd be going either. We were going on a second month of theoretically being asked to move within a two-four week time frame and I was getting worn out of living with that unknown. When we weren't getting any hits on housing in Craig we started to talk about the possibility of not taking the job even if we were offered it. Even more than that, we started talking about just taking a break from applications and give ourselves some stability - at least until after Christmas.

But on our wedding anniversary, Andrew received a job offer to become the store manager in Craig, Alaska. He was offered a 41% raise and a generous moving package. We called President Ericksen - the Branch President of the LDS church in Craig. He called back later that day with a perfect housing situation. Everything fell into place and we accepted the offer.

Originally they wanted Andrew to start three weeks later but then they scheduled a district training for that week up in Juneau. Everyone felt that it would be less ideal for Andrew to move here just in time to leave for that trip so we bumped his start date up a month and he started two weeks from the day he was offered the position.

It was a crazy move and I had moments where I felt pretty overwhelmed. In retrospect, though, it was like ripping off a bandaid and I'm glad we did it as quickly as we did.

So far we have loved Craig and are filled with gratitude for Heavenly Father's continued blessings and direction in our lives.

Almost 8 Months Old

Laurel Elizabeth Shadel
7 1/2 months old

My baby is growing way too quickly for my taste! It's been an absolute delight to have her in our life. That isn't to say that it has been easy or without it's challenges. It has been everything that is real about having a baby. Mostly that means REALLY exhausting!

I think I spent the first four months of Laurie's life holding her non-stop. I LOVED it. I took countless pictures of her and was just completely enamored. There were moments where I was "done" and just needed a break from holding a baby. But those moments were always quickly fleeting and never compared to the immense about of joy I have had at being her mom and at holding her in my arms.

I was really sick during her actual delivery so I don't remember much about it except for them saying that she was big so they were trying to figure out how to maneuver her out of me without having make the incision any larger. My first real memory of her was the way she latched on to nurse for the first time. She just chomped down and started eating like a pro.

In Utah (at six months old) she started eating "real" food.
She loves cheerios, graham crackers, carrot sticks (to chew on) and anything else she can get in her mouth.

That just kind of set the stage for the kind of baby she is. As an infant she has been a great sleeper, a great pooper and a great eater.

Laurie is starting to sit really well.

She doesn't scoot yet, though she's been trying to figure it out for at least two months now.

Laurie has always had a late bedtime. She is usually down by about midnight, although there have been times that I have been up with her later than that. Regardless of what time she goes down, she almost always wakes up to eat around 1:00. She wakes up again around 3:30 and then sometimes she wants to eat again around 6:00. She never plays during the night - just eats and goes back to sleep. She went through a phase where she had a hard time being put down (she may have been teething,) so I slept in the chair holding her. I did that with her when she was first born, too. Then I got to the point where I was sooo tired that I would fall asleep nursing her and sleep holding her in the chair by default. I am starting to come out of that phase, now, and am excited to be spending more time back in my own bed. When Laurie was born I was good at following that age old counsel to sleep when the baby sleeps. Usually by 6:00 in the morning I was exhausted (just from the several feedings during the day) so Andrew would get up and take care of Laurie if needed. He would also get the boys out the door and to school. On occasion Laurie would want to eat so I would get up long enough to feed her again. And then she and I would both go back to bed - generally at least until 10:00 - sometimes later. Unfortunately that trained her a little too well. She expects to eat all night long (at the times I mentioned before) and then is completely fine to go through the morning without much food at all. Again, that was fine while the boys were in school, but since summer came, it has been EXHAUSTING. (Which is why I started falling asleep feeding her at night.) Our trip to Utah was beastly. I did get her to fall asleep by midnight there, but instead of just two to three times of getting up with her, I was getting up with her FOUR times a night and then even when I tried over and over again to feed her in the morning, she didn't want food until noon. So, at almost eight months old, I am trying to figure out how to shift her six-eight hours of not eating to be during the night instead of in the morning.

Laurie started out with the same dairy allergy that my other two had. She got really gassy and had a rough time of it. Lucky for her, I knew what I was doing this time around and was able to quickly solve that problem with a combined effort of going off of dairy for a few months and using gas drops more than I did with Ammon and Peter. Also, just like this girl knew how to eat, she figured out the pooping thing REALLY fast. She is noisy and grunts and really works at it sometimes, but she gets the job done. She has had more blow outs than either of my boys EVER did. (I'm talking almost daily sometimes.) I don't know if that has to do with the diapers I'm using, her body shape, or the quantity or texture of her poop. But whatever the reason - no child ever stained as many clothes as she!

Laurie is very loved by her big brothers and they enjoy including her in their play time.
It is common for prayers to include the phrase, "We are grateful for the joy that Laurie has brought to our family."
Andrew and I must have said that once and now the boys repeat it ALL the time.

Caring for her in Utah was exhausting. We traveled to Utah just as she hit the six month mark. Her first two teeth grew in the day we traveled. I feel like it was during that trip that she really changed and that infancy stage came to a complete end. I was worried that I wasn't going to enjoy the next phase as much. I was so much more worn out and she was getting so much more active. I was missing the hours of just sitting and holding her. But once we got home and I was a little more rested, those concerns quickly melted away. She is the happiest little girl in the universe and I just can't help but feel joyful spending my days with her. She loves to smile, grin and laugh.

This girl LOVES her daddy.
But she'll never love him as much as he loves her.

Laurie loves her daddy. She is just starting to get more opinionated about life. The other day she downright REFUSED to eat turkey and rice baby food. We switched it out for something with fruit and she ate the entire container. When she sees Daddy come home she gets really happy. He has about 1.2 seconds to be holding her or she will start to cry. (And of course he is never able to get her in his arms quite that quickly so it is always so funny to see her go from giggling joy to heartbroken sobs in such a short period of time.)

Vacation Phone Pictures (June 30-July 23)