Comics

I recently found this silly little Facebook app that lets you make an avatar of yourself and design silly little comics with it.  I had fun playing around with it and thought I was pretty clever when I came up with Andrew wearing a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses.  Anyone who knows him for two minutes knows that he is OBSESSED with Oakley sunglasses.  Ray Ban is, by default, the hated nemesis.

I just thought this was a little light-hearted humor but Andrew was MORTIFIED to be plastered all over Facebook in something other than Oakley's.  He came home from work determined to get me back.  And as I heard him muttering about his plans, I realized just how serious he is about his sunglasses!  Revenge was on his mind.

I was surprised when I would occasionally glance over to his computer screen to see a scene of him handing me flowers, or something else equally romantic intertwined with times of seeing more unsettling backdrops.  As the evening wore on his need for revenge wore off and he eventually finished his design.

Andrew and I spent our dating days taking an Astronomy class together.  I needed a Physics credit to finish off my associates degree and I asked him if he would pick a science class we could take together.  He deliberately avoided his physics class his first semester in college to wait until I returned home from my mission and take a class with me during the spring semester.  We were engaged in June and we spent that summer sitting out on the deck, watching stars (and planes which sometimes got confused with stars...)

The more I look at these cheesy little comic, the more I am touched not only by what it says on the surface, but by the rich history of our courtship that it takes me back to.  Twelve years later, he is still looking forward to those simple moments under the stars with me.  I really want to print this out and frame it.  The more I look at this dumb little picture, the more my heart is ready to burst with gratitude for my perfect match.  He is amazing!  I feel so lucky in love!

Paradigm Shift

The other night I couldn't sleep.  We had been out to a movie, enjoyed great company, picked the boys up from playing with their cousins LATE into the night, and I was exhausted and ready for bed.  But somehow, my day didn't feel done, and I spent an hour restlessly tossing and turning before finally getting back up.

I like to sit at my computer and play dumb games like Solitaire.  I have always been a huge Solitaire player - even before it became popularized by computer versions.  To justify this incredible waste of time, I like to go to lds.org and listen to General Conference talks.  This was my intent, but as I pulled it up, I noticed that the front page featured a recent CES devotional by Elder Bednar.  I used to love attending these back when I was a young single adult, but I haven't made a practice of listening to the messages since that time.  I decided to give it a try, and I am so glad I did!

The message was called "That we might not... shrink."  It seemed a strange title to me, but I clicked the button anyway, and started my game.

Elder Bednar started talking about Elder Maxwell.  He gave a brief background of who Elder Maxwell is.  (Am I really so old that there are now young single adults who don't KNOW Elder Maxwell?)  He spoke of an opportunity he had to ask Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his battle with cancer.  Elder Maxwell responded, "Dave, I have learned that it is better to not shrink than to survive."

I still didn't really get it.  But Elder Bednar went on to explain.  He spoke of visiting a young couple in the hospital.  The husband had been diagnosed with cancer just three weeks after they were married.  The prognosis was not good.  After a brief visit, this young husband asked Elder Bednar for a blessing.  Elder Bednar said he was happy to serve in that way, but was surprised when he was prompted to first ask questions.

"Do you have the faith to NOT be healed."

You may already be familiar with the talks But if Not and Come What May and Love It.  The message is similar.  Somehow this presentation, though, helped me make a stronger connection to the doctrine of the atonement and the strength of faith in applying this principle.

The talk was beautifully presented and seemed very pertinent to me right now.

For the past year I have said that I had the faith to NOT get into graduate school.  But I really felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing in pursuing this path, and the rejection has stung.  Still, my first thought upon learning that I wasn't accepted was to turn to this little video message:

Despite an initial acceptance of missing out on this path, I soon allowed myself to get lost in the discouragement   After a week or two of wallowing in distress, I began to feel a bit better.  I'm afraid to admit that a good portion of that mental improvement is conditioned on some exciting potentials my husband is experiencing at his work.

I needed the reminder of the lesson I feel that I have already learned a million times over in my short life.  "But if not," and "come what may and love it" weren't strong enough.  I needed to be instructed to "not shrink".

When I was twelve years old, my seven year old cousin was hit by a car while riding his bike.  As an extended family, we decided to fast for him.  Fasting is always a sacrifice, especially when you are twelve, but it seemed easy enough when put into perspective of what it was for.  We would skip breakfast and lunch, go to church, and then eat dinner shortly after getting home.  This was manageable.

I arrived at my Young Women's meeting - the last hour of the church schedule, to learn that for the first and only time in my entire Young Women's experience, we were going to leave the church building for an object lesson at our leaders home.  The object lesson was a beautiful gourmet breakfast like nothing I had ever before seen.  In my memory, I view it the same way as the feast was described in The Little Princess.

Suddenly this manageable sacrifice seemed very impossible.  I had decided to fast before I knew all the facts.  Had I known this breakfast was going to happen, I would have planned to fast on another day.  My fast was just a few short hours from being over.  Surely it would be OK to end it early considering the unexpected change in circumstances...

As I considered these thoughts, I somehow had a greater resolve to stick with my commitment.  I stayed true to my fast until we came together as a family to end it.

This is where the story gets interesting to me.  Just a few days later, my Aunt decided that it was time to take her son off of life support.  There was no chance for recovery.  My cousin died.

I have always wondered how my life might have changed if I had broken my fast.  I think I would have always carried the silent guilt of "knowing" that I was the reason our faith wasn't enough.  Instead, I always carried the secret confidence that I demonstrated greater faith and obedience to the law of the fast than I realized was in me, and that because of that, I was confident that the Lord's will had prevailed.  What could have been a terribly upsetting and disillusioning experience, became a great teaching moment in my life.

I look back on these past few years and wonder what it was all for.  Why did I choose the classes I chose and take the path that I did?  Logically, there are things that could have been done differently that may have made the critical difference.  There is the temptation to second guess myself.  But I was there, through those years, and I know how diligently I sought the will of the Lord each and every semester.  I know how earnestly I pleaded to know His plan and then, upon receiving answers,  went to work to try to follow it.  Obedience is the key to accepting the possibility that you may "not survive".  Through faith in the atonement and obedience to whatever direction I receive from the Lord, I know that to "not shrink" is the greatest path of all.

In life there is knowing, and there is doing.  I think I know.  And I even have some experience in the doing.  But every test is different somehow, even when it seems so familiar.  Wish me luck as I continue to try to "do".

The Clouds are Breaking and the Sun is Shining

Yesterday I woke up and felt as if the cloud had lifted.  I am happy to report that today continues to be filled with optimism.

This next week is my Spring Break and I am so excited for a mini vacation from classes.  I have been concerned with how increasingly burned out I have gotten with school.  Before this semester began I was scared and overwhelmed with the thought of graduate school.  It seemed like a big and daunting goal, and the schedule sounded exhausting.  Trying to figure out how to balance it with a family was something I really couldn't even face.  As this semester trudged forward, I became even more intimidated at the prospect.  I was getting major senior-itis, and was increasingly concerned about my stamina in jumping straight into another 5+ semesters.  I have been doing school for a LONG time.  I am pretty darn sick of it.  So while the rejection completely sucked, and my wind was punched out even harder when learning why I didn't get accepted, the relief at not having school next year is so completely genuine.

But then came a new anxiety.  Another issue that we have been facing is our own personal fiscal cliff.  For months we have seen it approaching and have panicked and prayed about what to do.  We have spent time in the temple, we have fasted, we have pondered.  With me feeling like school was my path, we had the idea of school loans in the back of our mind even though we were hoping for another solution.  When I didn't get into school, I had to wonder if that was an answer to our financial concerns.  It meant I could get a job.  And suddenly there was a whole new stress and anxiety as my life seemed to be forcing me in a direction that I wasn't completely sure I wanted to go.

After a lot of thought and prayer, Andrew and I have decided to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to put off me working until next fall.  It might mean he needs to take on a second job.  It might mean that we continue to wrack up debt over the summer months.  Heck, it might mean both.  But I have been so much more at peace since we have made this decision.  Once school starts for the boys next fall, it will be much easier for me to feel like they are getting the parenting they deserve AND I am simultaneously making the financial contribution our family needs.  And who knows, by then maybe our income will have changed and our situation won't be quite so desperate.

The other day as we were facing different choices, Andrew very genuinely said, "I don't know where I would be without my mom."  He has been taking it really personally that I have felt the need to work.  It is heartbreaking to  him.  I was really touched to see this extend beyond macho pride and be more about his desire to not only provide for his family financially, but his strong belief that my role in the home can make such a pivotal difference in the lives of our children.  Andrew has always been a big supporter of me doing whatever it is I want to do.  And when I say he is supportive, I mean that he puts his money where his mouth is.  He has spent countless hours single parenting our children - taking care of laundry, dishes and meals.  He has cleaned the house, done the vacuuming, ran the errands, and helped me with my assignments.  He has also always trusted me to find the right balance between family and personal goals.  He feels so discouraged that we both want me to be able to stay home and that neither of us really feel like I can in our current situation.  But like I said - we will postpone that reality for a few more months regardless of what it takes.  I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to a fun summer with my kids!

Not getting into graduate school has been heartbreaking.  I am starting to remember, though, that my worth as a person is based on more than my educational success.  As I earnestly strive to do what is right, the knowledge has been reaffirmed that Heavenly Father is over all, and He WILL take care of us.  I cannot even begin to express the number of times He has already proven that to me  as an individual and to us as a family.  We have been blessed beyond comprehension so many times before, and I am certain those blessings will continue to be showered on us.  Heavenly Father is loving and generous and I trust Him.

Life is good.

Lost

I am getting more and more certain that I have to walk away from an amazing (potential) opportunity.  It is seriously killing me!

I applied and was interviewed for a job that I think I would LOVE.  The company is called The Brain Balance Center, and they work with people who have ADHD, Autism, and other neurological disorders.  While the science behind it is unsubstantiated in terms of formal research, I find the approach compelling and would love to learn more about it on the front lines.

When I heard that they were coming to South Jordan to open a new center, I was excited.  When I learned that they were hiring for a director, my mind started spinning a mile a minute.  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be involved in the integration of this company into my community.  I feel like I have the skills and abilities to join with the franchise owner and really make it a success.  

But I also know it would take over my life.

I would be working 45-50 hours a week, and most of those hours would be after my kids are home from school.  It would be the never-ending job.  I would not be able to be the kind of mom I want to be if I wanted to run the center even half of how I was hired to run it, much less how I would WANT to run it.

Arg.  I can't tell you how distressed I am right now to have to choose between the perfect dream job in my most ideal niche of psychology versus my truest dream of raising my kids.  The timing of this decision only exasperates my misery as I am reeling from feelings of failure and discouragement.  How awesome would it be to pick myself up after being rejected from graduate school and turn around to become a DIRECTOR at this awesome clinic.  The title alone is awesome, much less the financial contribution I could make to my family, and the personal fulfillment of the work.

But I just can't.  I am sick to death over it, but rather than being excited about the prospect of this AMAZING job opportunity, I am increasingly  miserable when I consider it.

And lost.

I am just not sure where to go, or what to do next and I feel SO very discouraged and lost.

Rejection Yields Depression

A week ago, out of the blue, I received an e-mail I was not expecting.  The decision had been made on my graduate school application and it was ready to review.  I had been told that a first wave of acceptance letters were sent out in February, and I knew this must be it.  I took a deep breath wondering what I was really getting myself into.  I was amazed and scared at the undertaking - at finally having to face the reality of going to graduate school.  It was a prospect that had scared and overwhelmed me on so many levels.  And here it was, becoming a reality on a regular Monday morning with Peter fighting for my attention as I tried to pull up the website.  And in the midst of all of these overwhelming thoughts and swatting Peter away from the computer screen, I read those telling words, "We regret to inform you."

A part of me was stunned.  A part of me wants to think I knew.  The relief I had always said would come upon getting denied was there even more than I had predicted.  And the heartache at losing a dream hit harder than I was prepared for.  I cried a lot that day.  In fact, the next day Peter noticed that my nose was peeling from having spent so much time blowing it the day before.

The second day I was fine.  Until that evening.  But, as the song says, "the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder.  As they tear your hope apart - as they turn your dream to shame."  I was once again swallowed up in that devastation of loss.  I looked out the window and saw the beautiful moonlight and it somehow soothed my aching soul.

The timing of my rejection had been interesting.  The day before had brought an awareness of a company moving to South Jordan.  I had thought about how fun it would be to work there, but immediately dismissed the thought, thinking it would be impossible with school.  Monday night I asked about employment opportunities and was encouraged to apply.  By Thursday I had an interview scheduled.  It almost seems meant to be.

I had the interview today, and I am more depressed than ever.

The job has the potential of being a dream job to me.  Except for one thing:  I have a life.  They are looking for someone who can work 45-50 hours - and a lot of them in the evening.  Ugh.  It is a job I think I *could* love.  But it doesn't seem like the right time in my life to take it on.  (Which isn't even an option right now, as I haven't been offered the job.  I just can't even decide if I really want it.)  I feel like this job would take me away from my family so much more than I am ready for.  One of the biggest consolations of not getting into graduate school is the freedom of being able to focus more on my kids.  This job would completely reverse that perk.

Andrew is bummed out that we both feel that I *need* to work.  He has always been supportive of me pursuing whatever career goals I did or didn't have.  He wants me to do whatever I want to do.  But he hates that our current situation pretty much obligates me to work.

I am discouraged.  I spent years trying so hard to find the right path.  I *finally* felt like I knew what I was supposed to do.  For the entire process I knew that it was more likely I would be rejected than be accepted.  I was prepared for that.  I thought I had a backup.  "Get a job."

But needing to get a job just puts me back on that road of, "I don't know where I'm going or how to get there."  I am in the dark once again, only able to take one step at a time.

I have felt comforted this past week as I reviewed the path I have been on.  I have been confident that I did everything the way I should.  I felt comfortable that the outcome was not something I should have controlled differently.  There has been peace in that.

But today I just feel like a failure.

I am sad.  I am overwhelmed.  I don't know where to go or what to do.  I am not excited about any prospects.  The fact that I have a dream job dangling in front of me is just all the more a mockery that it isn't *actually* what I want.  What I want - and have always wanted - is to be at home raising a family.  I tried to juggle it with school as long as I could.  That seemed a legitimate justification to avoid becoming a "working mom".  But my excuses have run out, and we need more money.  Reality has hit, and I need to figure out where to go from here.  Time to learn a new juggling act as I balance the need for income, the fulfillment of work, and the schedule of family.  I know things will work out.  But right now I am waiting for my friends Ben and Jerry to come console me.

Little Things

Yesterday I went up to the U to take a test.  Due to traffic congestion caused by an accident, I decided to take some back roads on my way home.  It helped that we used to live up there and I knew my way around.  I found myself passing landmarks that took me back to a time that Andrew and I had walked that road together.  The housing association had offered free babysitting and we were fortunate to get on the list before it filled up.  We dropped our kids off and decided to walk three miles to Red Mango for our date.  It was such a fun evening.  If I remember correctly, it was early fall.  The rain started to drizzle on us, but we had a great time together.  The memory was precious and I was filled with a quiet joy as I continued my drive home.

This morning I stayed snuggled in my bed for as long as I wanted.  Andrew had long since gotten up and headed in to work.  But before I left, he said a prayer with me and made sure I had an extra blanket or two. It's always harder to stay warm once he is up and out of bed.  The house was quiet and peaceful.  Andrew had taken care to buy blueberry bagels for the boys.  They were a "special treat" for Saturday breakfast.  Yesterday I heard Andrew show the bagels to each of the boys and explain, "These are for you to eat so that you can be quiet in the morning and let Mom sleep as long as she wants."  It worked!  Even while he was gone to work, he was taking care of me.  I feel so spoiled!

I walked into the kitchen and thought back to yesterday.  He and Peter had gotten up before Ammon and me and gone to the store.  They came back equipped with all the ingredients to make a delicious breakfast.  As we ate Andrew told me, "The strawberries and cream cheese in the fridge are for Sunday, so don't use them."  As a Valentine gift to me he had learned how to make crepes  - and he is already planning to do it again.

I pulled out my magic bullet to blend up a smoothie for breakfast.  My bullet had been leaking for a month or so and it just hadn't been as much fun to use anymore.  Yesterday, while I was taking my test, he had loaded up all the pieces (there are tons) and took the bullet back to Cost Co to exchange it for me.  Then, he took the boys out to a movie.

When he came home, we spent the evening working in the kitchen together.  He grilled up burgers outside and then transferred them to his indoor griddle where they became patty melts.  While he was doing that, I had fun chopping up Oreos in my new Bullet and mixing up an extravagant pudding mixture for the dessert Peter had requested - dirt.

After our family ate, Andrew started loading the dishes into the dishwasher.  He explained, "I haven't done a lot of dishes since we've been married, and I decided it's about time I started helping with these."  (As if his cooking two of the meals hadn't been enough of a contribution...)

Last month, with Valentine's Day quickly approaching, I realized that every day feels like Valentine's Day.  I look back on these past two days and realize why.  I have a husband who spends his days striving to care for me and pamper me in small and simple ways.  It is just a part of who he is and how he treats me.  For him, it is routine.

After eleven years of being married, I am filled with awe that I can drive around town or even just look around my house and be overwhelmed with reminders of his love for me.  Sometimes he feels bad that we haven't been able to do the bigger things in life - you know - the ones that cost lots of money.  But I am so very happy and spoiled by all the little things.  I wouldn't give this up for all the money in the world.