January 1

Ammon about 20 minutes after he woke up from his 16 hour night-time sleep.

I have a friend who is on her 5th year of a photography challenge to take a picture EVERY day.  She says she loves it because she captures so many every-day things that she would have otherwise forgotten.  I can pretty much guarantee that I will not be perfect in taking a picture EVERY day this year, but here is our "every day" moment of today.

I think my family will always remember the beginning of 2013 as the year we were SICK.  Really it has been the boys.  Andrew and I are worried that we might have something, or be on the verge of catching it, but our experience is nothing like what Ammon and Peter are experiencing.

They each put themselves to bed early last night.  Ammon slept from about 7:00 last night until 11:00 this morning.  He woke up, went to the bathroom, got a drink, and lied back down on the couch where he apologetically said, "Mom, I think I'm going to fall asleep again."  Peter had a similar story.  He woke up around 9:00, lied in the bath for TWO HOURS (I was so worried he was going to fall asleep and drown in there!) and then went back to sleep as soon as he got out.

The good thing about being sick was that they had an all day pass to the TV.  Sadly, there were times that they were too tired to even watch a show.  Once again, they both brought themselves upstairs from the TV room and put themselves to bed.  The Christmas break is over and school starts again tomorrow, but they won't be going.

Peter playing Spot It with Daddy for one of the rare "awake" moments of the day.

Andrew and I stayed in our pajamas all day and played up the sick day as well.  Actually, that's not true.  Andrew ran out to the grocery store for me.  But other than that, we've pretty much been in pajamas.  I'm trying to get back into the pattern of planning meals a week at a time.  We prepped all the meat for the next week.  We also got the Christmas tree down.  The other big success of my day is that I cleaned out the fridge!  Yay!  I think I threw out food from July!

It's been a weird start to the year.  Despite the few things I did accomplish, the house is in complete disarray and with the kids staying home from school and the threat of illness looming over me, I feel behind in completing my graduate school application and preparing for the beginning of next semester.  I enjoyed having Andrew home today and will miss him when he returns to work tomorrow.

I am curious to know what 2013 will bring.  Last year brought some unexpected surprises.  Some were good, others not so good.  Overall, it was an awesome year for us, though.  Life can be a crazy ride.  I'm looking forward to this next section of our journey.

Happy New Year!

Family Fun in December

For my birthday, Andrew threw a party with some of my family.

The reality is that I invited them.

But once he got wind of it, he took over and wouldn't let me lift a finger.

He got the house cleaned and ready, made the cake, and took care of hosting duties.

I was grateful to be surrounded by love and laughter.

On the 15th we woke up to some amazing snow.

Andrew actually took a yard stick to measure the snow pile on our picnic table.

He measured 1/4 inch shy of 7 inches!

The boys bundled up and went out to help him shovel the driveway.

(It may have turned into a small snowball fight instigated by Dad...)

Ammon was way overdue for a new suit.

The last one he had never really fit him correctly.

It was short and wide compared to his long and lean frame.

Additionally, it had developed a rip in the crotch.

(Which I had known about and forgotten - for about 6 months.  Ooops!)

With the new suit came something Ammon had been wanting for a while - a REAL tie.

(As opposed to a clip on tie.)

I don't know if Andrew or Ammon was more excited about putting it on for the first time.

Peter came home from kindergarten with a new gingerbread cookie recipe.

He was determined to give it a try and Sunday afternoon finally gave us a chance.

He was a good little baker, and Ammon also loved helping.

This past week I spent some time at the school.

I was invited to help Ammon's class make adorable candy trains.

It was a fun little project and I enjoyed watching my little builder at work.

He whipped through the project fast compared to some of his peers.

I could see that this is the kind of thing that comes naturally to him.

He loves to put things together!

Later that same day I was back at the school for Peter.

He was being recognized for a Leadership in Me award.

This is a great program that is being adopted by schools throughout the country.

The focus is teaching the children Stephen Covey's 7 Habits For Highly Successful People.

Peter earned his award for putting "First Things First".

We were happy that Grandma Peggy was able to attend the assembly as well.

The next two nights see us at family Christmas parties.

After that is Christmas and then Ammon's birthday.

December has been a fun month so far and I don't expect that to change.

Kicking off the Season

This is our first Christmas in our new house.

It was fun to figure out how to arrange the furniture to make room for the tree.

And now that we have a house and place to store things,

I am hoping to start collecting more and more decorations.

(Starting with a bigger tree - hopefully to be found on clearance after Christmas is over this year.)

As excited as I was to pull out our ornaments and the few decorations we have,

Ammon and Peter were even more thrilled.

It was fun to hear them exclaim, "I remember this!" time and time again.

I want to have more traditional things for them to remember, before these years are over.

Once again, Christmas season is the middle of finals for me.

While I went to LifeStone for my internship, Andrew took the boys to Home Depot.

They had fun making projects.

(Shhhh.  Don't tell them I've already seen these pictures - I'm getting their projects as gifts!)

I'm glad they had fun visiting with Santa while they were there.

Since Tucano's gives a free meal to anyone with a birthday, lunch there has become an annual tradition.

For Andrew's birthday he and I go as a date.

For Ammon and my birthday, we make it a family affair.

Ammon still loves the chicken hearts.

He just couldn't get enough.

Peter loved the bacon wrapped sirloin.

It took us a while to convince him to try anything else.

Finally he decided that the brown-sugar ham was pretty good too.

And of course they both LOVE the grilled pineapple.

This year the briscut was my favorite.

Andrew enjoyed the buffalo chicken and bacon wrapped turkey.

After lunch we went to the Andrew's parents house to make cookies.

This has turned in to such a fun tradition - we do it every Christmas season.

The recipe is one that has been in the Shadel for generations and I have come to love these cookies!

And as much as I love the cookies, the memories of making them together are even better.

Of course, we can't kick off Christmas in this house without watching this video a dozen times or so.

I grew up loving this song - mostly because my dad loved it.

We were so excited when the Tabernacle Choir, which my mother-in-law was a member of, themed their concert around this a few years ago.

Even with our enthusiasm, neither Andrew nor I anticipated loving this story as much as we do.

This year seemed to have a lot of really hard situations highlighted in the news.

I was grateful to listen to this yet again and be reminded that even when things seem dark, there is still light.

I've also enjoyed a few nights out for Christmas festivities.

The ladies in my neighborhood did a tour of four homes where we learned about different traditions.

It was a really fun night.

I also had the chance to attend an ornament exchange party.

I'm still wrapping up school and getting ready to apply for graduate school.

But somehow, I've been able to also breathe a little and enjoy the season.

And in just a few more days, hopefully I'll be able to immerse myself in holiday cheer even more.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a multi-day event for us.

The day before is when we cook.

Ammon makes pumpkin pie, and Peter makes a peanut butter cheese-ball.

I make sweet potato casserole and Andrew makes sausage stuffing.

I love that each of us contributes and enjoys cooking.

This year was supposed to be Thanksgiving with my family.

But somehow, Andrew's family has gotten onto the same schedule as us.

So this year we went to both.

It was a fun day, but I doubt we'll do that again.

I don't know how to resolve the fact that Andrew's family is now on the same schedule as my family.

I'm frustrated and stressed about it already.

We spent the morning at my parents house.

We got there first and David and Nikki were close behind.

We played California Speed and Zilch, and of course, Hearts.

Andrew enjoyed football and mom's infamous "spread".

In our house, our Thanksgiving is much less about the big meal, and more about the food we snack on all day.

Dan was there, Rebecca showed up, and so did Joe and his family.

When it was time for Andrew's family to gather, we went to his parents house.

Tables were set with china.

Peggy had gone all out and even made a bacon covered turkey.

After the meal we played Zilch, Uno and RummiKube.

It was lots of fun!

When everything wrapped up, we headed home and stopped by my parents house again.

This time we were able to see Katy and her family.

We were too late to have the kids all do the craft together, but Peter still worked on his.

We had a fun group game of Apples to Apples.

Jeremiah made me a fresh batch of his stuffed mushrooms.

The night ended way too quickly.

I had a great day, but I was sad to have missed out on so much of the time I should have had with my family.

It was a real bummer to have to see them in shifts.

Still, we are lucky to be surrounded by so many family members.
It really was a wonderful way to spend the holiday!

Number 3

This little doll is my third niece born in 2012.

As such, she was the third one to be blessed.

She is also the third daughter - out of three children.

She was born to the number three child in my family - (although he was the first son).

Of all of the grandchildren, she is the third redhead.

(Her sisters are the other two).

She lives in the third house on her street.

Her parents were the third ones in our family to get married.

And I'm betting if I tried, I could come up with a few other number three things about her.

All in all, she has convinced me that 3 is a pretty awesome number.

Simplify

At the end of every semester comes the stress of trying to pick the best schedule for the next semester.  There are so many options.  So many factors.  For years I struggled because I wasn't committed to which degree I was working on, so I did my best to select the classes that seemed best at the time, unsure of where they were leading.  Finally, I know which degree I am completing and this next semester is the last one.  You would think that would bring a sense of relief.  It doesn't.  I am stressed beyond belief because this is my last chance to raise my GPA as high as I can get it, gain experiences such as research and internship options as an undergrad, and get exposure to certain aspects of my chosen field.  More stressful, even, than all of that is the fact that this is my last chance to boost my eligibility for graduate school.  If I get in for next fall, then nothing I do this semester really matters.  But on the chance that I don't get in, there are things that this semester could do for me in terms of making me a stronger applicant next year.  Sadly, I won't know which situation I am in until it is too late.

And so it is that once again I have nothing but prayer and faith to help me determine the course of the next several months of my life.  What an adventure.

There are so many pressures building up inside of me right now.  So many things that I want to do (internships and certain classes) and so many things I feel are necessary (seeking an immediate income).  As my mind goes in circles with the confusion of these questions and the implications of one leading to the next to the next to the next, I keep coming back to this gentle, calm and quiet idea.  "Simplify."  I am trying to filter  how many and which of so many good options I should select, and the answer I seem to continuously fall back to is, "none of them."

There is something so tempting about the idea of slowing down a little.  It sounds restful.  There is something so scary about slowing down a little.  It sounds, I don't know, uninteresting?  Although it makes my life chaotic in schedules and I am constantly on the run, barely getting to my boys in time, or relying on babysitters to help me out, I also find a satisfaction and stimulation in the work I do.  I feel rejuvenated and alive when I'm heading home from observing a therapy session or working on my CASA case.  After two years of living in a place where I had constant and immediate access to friends, and then the last six months of such busy but great experiences, I worry that I will feel lost and/or isolated if I simply register for three online classes to finish off my degree.

Last night I came home from an evening therapy session.  With Andrew working at nights, this was the first time all semester I had gone in the evening.  I have had a weekly evening class, though, and when that cancelled, I decided to get in some extra hours to finish up the semester strong.  Ammon, Peter and I all had the worst meltdowns last night.  I didn't pick them up until after bedtime.  Peter hadn't eaten dinner despite having brought his dinner with him AND being offered a different dinner.  Even though he hadn't had dinner, he was eating candy when I got him.  I just felt like he needed a mom to be there (instead of a very sweet and overindulgent great-grandmother who was kindly watching him.)  The kids fought over what they were doing, and didn't want to come home.  I felt like such a failure.  I began this semester feeling so very concerned about the amount of time my children would have neither parent with them.  Andrew and I discussed it and made a very deliberate choice that it would work for the short term.  Last night I truly regretted my decision and mourned the fact that Peter is entering the second half of his Kindergarten year and has had only small phases of his life where I have had the opportunity to truly be a stay-at-home mom.  I never envisioned myself as anything but a full-time homemaker and yet I am facing the reality that a homemaker is never something I'll really be.  I have long since grieved the small size of my family, but suddenly Peter's age is bringing on a new grief for the experiences I am realizing I will never have even with my small family.

As usual, some sleep helped and I felt a bit better upon waking up.  I am confident that this past semester, I followed the revelation I was given and gained invaluable experiences that I needed at this phase in my education and personal development.

This morning Peter was sick and I was able to cancel the plans I had to be running out to get internship hours at LifeStone.  I spent the day at home and started working on my application for graduate school.  I changed classes for next semester and added in the field study class (which is my school-credit for internships).  I kept trying to rationalize it and convince myself how much more balanced next semester would be.  But as the day came to an end, I started envisioning a different semester.  My eyes were opened to some of the quiet and simple things I could and should do both in and out of my home if I could just slow down a little.  I was reminded that I had known my answer all along.  I don't want to type it here, because I'm still not committed to it.  But I really do think that this semester is supposed to be a time of my life when I simplify.

Month 2 Results

I began my diet on September 20.

It has been less than two months and I am down 20 pounds.

Yay!!!

The second month was not as successful as the first.

A lot of factors played into that.

First, I wasn't as focused.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do when the food ran out.

I didn't know if I was full-on dieting, or starting to wean myself off of the food.

I fell into a trap of doing a messy combination of the two.

I am pretty sure that is a huge factor in my slowed weight loss.

Also, I started allowing myself a lot more indulgences.

I ate the food served at a birthday party, a relief society activity, a baby blessing and more.

I was just more relaxed in my approach.

Finally, I didn't monitor things as closely.

For the first few days I was frustrated with not losing as fast as I wanted.

I decided to stop obsessing and just let the weight come off in it's own time.

But I think I would have been better off to continue tracking things more frequently.

On Sunday night I ordered food for a third month.

I also started exercising this week.

I think I've lost more than two pounds just since then.

(five days)

I am recommitted to doing this diet exactly.

(Although I think I'm giving myself Thanksgiving day to be a normal non-dieting person.)

I don't know what will happen after the food from month 3 runs out.

But I just can't worry about that right now.

For now I am enjoying seeing the numbers continue to melt away.

Even with 20 lbs down, my goal is still to lose 42 more so there is still a long road ahead.

I'd like to get through the holiday season keeping things pretty strict.

I want to develop some long-term lifestyle changes.

I expect my weight loss will slow at that point, but it will be better in the long run.

I'm hoping to get to my half way point before I make the switch off Medifast, though.

That means my goal is to lose 11 more lbs before I wean off of Medifast.

Wish me luck!

:)

Name

I just stumbled across a "This is Me" challenge on Pinterest, and I thought I'd go ahead and try answering some of the personal history questions.

Today's installment is centered around my name:  

What is your full name and how did you get that name?

I feel like my mom should be the one writing this down since I am bound to get it wrong.  All I can do is write about the explanations and storied I remember hearing as a child.

My name is Jennifer Lynn.  The fact that my middle name is Lynn was always obvious.  It is my mother's first name.  Jennifer is a little less obvious.  In fact just last night I was telling some friends that my mom actually wanted to name me Amalie.  The way I have always heard the story is that my dad nixed the name Amalie because it sounded too much like hominy.  He figured a girl with that name would get teased and be called "Grits".  Apparently hominy is a corn-like item that is used to make grits?  As someone who has never been in a culture where hominy is common, this story has always confused me.  But I digress.  Mom wanted to name me Amalie, and Dad nixed it.  He had his own brilliant idea.  My dad wanted to name me Jerusha!  (Because that wouldn't induce teasing of any kind...)  It was meant to be a tribute to Hyrum Smith's first wife, who was a wonderful woman.  But I am still pretty glad that my mom tabooed that one.  In the end they settled on Jennifer.  I was told, with a shrug, that it was the first name they agreed on and so that was that.

I was always distraught by the commonality of my name.  For the first several years of elementary school, I was always guaranteed to have at least two other Jennifer's in my class.  To make it even worse, my middle name, though in my case given for my mom, was often associated with the first name Jennifer.  I always wished my middle name with Elizabeth.  Not only was it a beautiful name, but it was also the name of my favorite character in my favorite book series (Sweet Valley Twins).  And as if that wasn't enough, if my name had been Jennifer Elizabeth Nunes, my initials would have been J.E.N.  And that would have been cool!

Do you have any nicknames?

My parents always told me that my nickname was Baby-Bundle, though I don't have any memories of being called that. I was born five weeks early in the middle of winter. I weighed 5 lbs 11 oz. My parents talked about me always being kept in a bundle of blankets and that is where that name came from.

Other than that, my nickname was always Jenny.  It worked well and pretty soon I had six younger siblings with matching nicknames:  Katy, Joey, Danny, Jimmy, Davy, Becky.  As adults my sister Katy and I are the only ones who didn't switch over to more formal versions of our names.  (And my brother Jimmy, who died the day he was born.)

When I was in 7th grade we moved and my mom told me it was a great opportunity to "change my identity" if I wanted to.  She knew I wanted a name that was more unique.  I think I passed at that point, but as I entered High School she brought up the same option.  In trying to come up with a more stand-out version of my name, we came up with - are you ready for this:  Jenn.  With TWO n's.  Yeah, we were WAY out there!  In retrospect I always wished I had drawn on my middle name and gone by something like JLynn.  (Jaelyn?) Oh well.  It wasn't meant to be.

In High School I did have one other name.  To my very large group of friends, I was known as Bob.  As was typical, my group of friends had more than one Jennifer in it.  People were getting confused so my friend and neighbor Tim decided to solve that problem by naming us Bob and Chuck.  Those names seriously stuck!  My name evolved into Jenny-Bob and when "Chuck" got married (to Tim!) she was known as Jen VanShadel.  Then I married into the Shadel family as well.  We were back to the old conundrum of matching names.  There were now two Jennifer Shadel's.  We were talking about it one day and brought up our old nicknames.  My mother-in-law stopped us right then and there and banned those "boy names" from ever being used in reference to her daughters-in-law.  Ever since then I have been exclusively Jenny,a name my SIL has never gone by, and she varies between Jennifer and Jen.

I have always hated being called Jennifer.  I always say that being called Jennifer is the most blatant sign that the person talking to me doesn't know me at all.  I have NEVER gone by my formal name.

Weekend Projects

We got our first real snow!

The last snow storm brought a light dusting and was melted away within hours.

This storm brought inches and inches of heavy, wet snow.

The boys were in heaven!

They went out and played in the back yard.

I think every last inch of our yard has footprints covering it.

Those two had a blast!

For what felt like the first time EVER, we had a Saturday with no plans.

We hung out at home and LOVED it.

Then we got ambitious and decided to tear out the kitchen cabinets we wanted to remove.

Andrew did a great job and we couldn't be happier with the results.

(Although we still need to do some of the cosmetic/finish work.)

This is the cabinet we are using to replace the ones we tore out.

We intend to build a larger one across the wall that will hold the trash bins as well.

But in the mean time, this one is working out wonderfully for us.

We finished our family day at home with a fun dessert project.

I saw this idea on Pinterest (when Kara pinned it) and knew we would HAVE to try it.

The boys (Andrew included) LOVE candy corns.

With a cookie dough center, they worked hard to transform their candy corns into

corn on the cob!

It was a great finish to a fun family day.

Fondue

At the last minute, we decided we would have a Sunday Roast for dinner.

It had been a while, and it sounded yummy.

On a whim, we decided to throw in a fondue dessert.

Andrew headed off for our standard Saturday night shopping trip and picked up all the supplies.

We had talked about inviting people over either for dinner or just dessert.

But I had a BIG paper due, and I couldn't commit to hostessing.

I ended up getting far enough done, however, that we decided to invite Andrew's parents over.

The meal was delicious!

Andrew had woken up before me and gotten everything into the crock pot.

We ate dinner and then whipped out the fondue.

The boys were in heaven!

Ammon became a chocolate MESS.

It was hilarious to watch him eating fondue.

Peter loved it, although he was just as content to eat the fruit without the chocolate.

Tonight was spent with good food and great company.

What more can a person ask for?

Uncle Andrew

Yesterday we had a chance to attend a birthday party with Andrew's side of the family.

This past summer, two new baby girls joined the family.

I always make Andy hold the babies.

He always complains.

But I am convinced he loves it!

(Just look at the smiles he has in those pictures!)

He also had fun helping Birthday-Boy try on his new helmet.

Andrew would never say it about himself - he doesn't believe it.

But he's good with kids.

And I love to see him with them.

It was a good party.

Fun was had by all!

And we'll all be together again in just a few short weeks for Thanksgiving.

:)

Halloween

We had a fun Halloween.

The boys dressed up for school and I was able to sneak in to both class parties.

Peter was having a great time making cookies.

Ammon had actually gotten sick swinging on the tire swing during recess.

His teacher said he was starting to get his color back.

But by the time the parade stared, he was doing well.

My sister-in-law and I sat together and watched to parade.

We were right outside Peter's classroom.

When he finally circled back and was finishing his portion of the parade, he was excited to say,

"I saw Grandpa Fred!"

I had invited my grandparents to come see the parade, but I hadn't followed up with them.

They had made it, though, so I moved locations and watched the rest of the parade with them.

We saw Ammon come through.

He had lots of fun, but he was mostly excited to point out his two favorite costumes:

A toilet, and a Rubik's Cube.

After school we headed over to my parents house for a visit.

We have always done our trick-or-treating in their neighborhood.

This was the first year we really had our own responsibility of handing out candy.

I guess that's the downside of home-ownership - No more trick-or-treating as a family.

Andrew came home from work in time for dinner.

Every year on Halloween he makes Red Beans and Rice.

I had been counting down for weeks!

It was delicious!

Ammon had two friends at school that had arranged to trick-or-treat with him.

I joined with one of the friends mom's and we took our group around the nieghborhood.

Andrew stayed home to pass out candy.

He was excited to see his primary kids.

He bought them each a custom ordered super-sized treat.

Andrew's dad came and hung out with him for the evening.

We never did get to see Grandma Peggy on Halloween since she was being Nurse Peggy.

At one point I lost Ammon.

He was racing from door to door, which I was fine with.

Until it got dark and I realized he was in all black.

And we got to a point where he could have gone about three different directions.

I didn't know which one he picked.

But we found him after a few minutes.

Soon after that Peter got tired.

Andrew came to pick him up.

He brought a glow-stick necklace to keep Ammon visible.

I was shocked when we finished trick-or-treating by 7:30.

But the boys were satisfied with their loot and content to call it a night.

Amazingly, kids were in bed by 8:00 and sleeping soon after.

The Halloween of the Ninja's was a success!

Contradictions and Grief

The past month or so has been interesting to experience.  Time and again I have been filled with this immense gratitude at the circumstances of my life.  I have felt blessed beyond measure - so content and filled with joy. And yet, in quiet moments I have also been filled with a fresh wave of grief and loss at what I imagined my life would be.

Somehow, when Peter was born, I knew he would be my last child.  I hoped it wasn't true and after prayerfully wrestling the situation again and again, and coming to a definite and irrefutable answer, I still explained it away to myself as I extended the "no more children" answer I kept receiving into "no more children NOW".

Our family size is a complex combination of choice (based on so many different factors), revelation, (which is the only real explanation), and fertility complications (which could likely be overcome with minimal effort).

These flashes of grief, which I thought were long-settled, are suddenly showing up with greater frequency.  We always said that we would be done having children by the time I reached the age of 35.  From a medical perspective, age 35 is when a lot of risks increase.  And after Andrew went through the terrifying circumstances of Ammon's birth, we were recommitted to the idea that I, of all people, was not one who should knowingly jump into a circumstance of "increased risk" for anything medically related.  Still, a few years ago as I longingly hoped that the answer that no more children would come was only temporary, I determined that with Heavenly Father in charge, anything was possible, and even my age couldn't be a deterrent.  In my mind, as many arguments and reasons I have, including physical factors that are potentially out of my control, the fact that the family I have is Heavenly Father's design for me is the only valid explanation for my family not being the larger size I had always hoped and dreamed for.

But whether my age is a true cut-off for the possibility of more children or not, turning 35 next month does seem to remind me that I am reaching a point in my life which I pictured very differently than it is.  And as much as I have found peace and even joy at the things in my life, a part of me is mourning afresh for what I thought it would be.

Gratitude

Every day I am filled with an awed sense of gratitude for my husband.

I feel fortunate beyond measure.

He is my best friend.

He brings the romance into my life that I have always craved.

He helps with laundry, cooking, child-rearing and every home fix-it project he can find.

He works hard day in and day out.

He supports me in my schooling.

He watches out for my emotional well-being and steps in when I need a break.

He is a THE super-hero in my life.

Without hesitation he showers me with every good thing within his power to give.

I once had a friend comment that she had never been to my house

without having been a first-hand witness of my husband serving me - 

in one capacity or another.

And as I reflected on her comment, I realized she was right.

His ways of service are quiet.

He always brings me a drink, or checks on the kids, or gets me my socks when my feet are cold.

He lets me put my icy hands on his chest to warm them up.

He drives Ammon to school.

He lets me sleep in.

He makes breakfast for the boys EVERY day.

I know I am spoiled.

I often daily think I would be lost without him.

As each evening comes to an end we snuggle into bed together.

We laugh and talk and reminisce about our day.

And when I am adequately talked-out, I roll over onto my side - 

My "sleeping position" he knowingly teases.

I literally grin from ear to ear - because I know what's going to come next.

He rolls over behind me, wraps his arm around me, and then we both drift off to sleep.

It is the happiest moment of my day.

This sleeping pattern began for my benefit.

I am the one who has to be on my side to finally fall asleep.

And I am the one who wanted to be wrapped in his arms.

But he recently admitted that he can no longer fall asleep any other way.

Life can feel so perfect.

But many of you know that this perfection didn't always exist for us.

We have had a challenging past.

And there were days weeks months when I genuinely believed our marriage wouldn't last.

Those were hard, dark days.

And to make it more challenging, they came and went and then came again.

There were good days and bad days muddled and confused.

Until eventually all that seemed left was the bad.

I thought the end of our marriage had come with a finality.

I began to plan for a life without him - the single parent of two very young boys.

I looked into my future laid out in this way and felt keenly that the hardest years of my life were ahead.

I couldn't help but wonder -

If I know that these next few years will be hard,

and if I commit to fight and work and be drug through the mud of life,

would I prefer my prize to be a new future, divorced and ready for a better chance at love?

Or would I want my prize to come rewarded with the richness of all that was good in our past?

For me, the answer became increasingly evident.

In my situation it worked to stay true to my covenants.

"For better or worse."

We made it through storms that seemingly couldn't have been worse.

And having come from a place such as that,

I have never since spent a single day taking our love for granted.

I know how close that love came to being lost forever.

And constantly I am struck with the understanding of how fortunate I am.

***

A few weeks ago I was touched by the strength of people around me.

People who are fighting battles and facing severe struggles.

This week I became aware of many more difficulties born by those I know.

And it seems to never end.

Yesterday I looked into my Grandma's eyes -

weary with concern for her husband's health.

She is four decades further along on the path of life than I am.

Shouldn't life  be easier by then?

But in His love and infinite wisdom, Heavenly Father did not create a world of ease.

Rather, he provided a plan that offers strength and healing.

We would not believe the strength we are capable of, were it not tested through trials.

And we would never know the power of healing offered through the Savior,

were we not to experience it firsthand.

Though it may be a hard lesson that we continually learn as we journey through this existence, 

I know that the opportunity to develop this strength and gain this healing is a priceless gift.

These blessings come from God,

and as such,

they bring with them infinite peace and joy beyond measure.

***

Weekend Activities

A while back I purchased more discount tickets for Hollywood Connection.

This time I only bought two.

I decided that the boys were old enough to run free while I hung out and watched.

I was surprised when the first thing they wanted to do was mini golf.

I knew they loved golfing, but I thought they'd hit some of the rides first.

In the end, they did hit all the rides.

But they also did mini golf THREE times!

The other thing that surprised me was when they decided to skate.

My kids are TERRIBLE skaters!

It really is just a matter of exposure - they are incredibly inexperienced.

Ammon was determined, though, and he made a LOT of progress.

He was able to skate extremely competently on the carpet.

And he survived several laps in the rink.

I LOVED skating as a kid, so watching him get this down made me SO happy!

Peter also made improvements.

This was a great kick off to our weekend.

It was a fun way to spend a Friday night while Andrew worked.

On Saturday, Peter had his last soccer game of the season.

They played in costume!

It was a fun field to watch.

Peter had a lot of fun and I'm glad he enjoys soccer.

I'm also glad for a break during the winter.

When it snowed last week, we decided we couldn't procrastinate winterizing the swamp cooler any longer.

Andrew watched a few you-tube videos and had it taken care of in no time.

He is so good at taking care of so many things around the house.

He is like a jack of all trades.

I appreciate his eagerness and self-fulfillment in taking care of our home.

Sunday capped off our lovely weekend.

The boys had their Primary Program at church and they both did a great job!

Peter learned his part weeks ago!

He surprised us both by reading his part off the paper we were given.

I was shocked that he could read it.

A few minutes later he repeated it again and was thrilled.

"I can read it without looking!"

In the end, the boys memorized each others parts as well as their own.

They also did a great job singing the songs.

The Primary Program almost seems to suspend time for me.

There is something so powerful about children singing and speaking about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I remember being the child up on the stand singing the songs.

And I remember Ammon being the three year old, Peter just a babe in arms.

And here they are, five and eight.

Time goes so fast sometimes.

I saw some of the primary teachers.

One of the women in the ward grew up here.

I don't know if she spent her primary days in this neighborhood or not.

But I thought of the memories she must have in this chapel as a child/youth.

And now it is her children presenting the program.

I saw another leader who was a grandma.

I felt like with a blink of the eye, I would be the grandma there.

I love that we FINALLY have a permanent home.

There is something wonderful about knowing that we are participating in neighborhood traditions.

I watch my boys getting a drink out of the church drinking fountain and marvel that in ten years they will be getting a drink from that same spot.

We've never had this level of permanence before.

There is something comforting about it.

It is an intangible treasure.

I spent Sunday night sitting on my couch.

Andrew made a fire and I stared into it, enjoying the warmth.

I looked over and saw my beautiful view of the mountains.

My camera was retrieved and I took pictures from that very spot.

Then, as long as I had my camera out, I gathered my three guys.

And I took a picture of the most beautiful view of all.

Needless to say, I finished this weekend feeling very fortunate indeed.

Life is good.

It isn't perfect.

It isn't at all what I always dreamed it would be.

But it is so very good.

Life is beautiful.

And I feel blessed.

Sunday

Yesterday as I sat in church waiting for Sunday School to begin I started watching the people around me.  I knew that the woman preparing to teach the lesson had lost her child to a difficult disease over a decade ago.  I didn't know her at that time, but I have vague memories of her son passing away because he was friends and peers with several of my friends.  This weekend in a random conversation, I was reminded that his death actually happened ON Christmas day.  Can you imagine the heartache and the emotional time Christmas must be for her now?  I watched her faithfully setting things up and bustling around the room with her lesson ready and was touched by her strength as I considered the heart-wrenching pain she had experienced.  To look at her you would never know she had faced such a loss.

My eyes began to wander around the room to others that were there.  I saw an elderly couple sitting side by side.  Just a few weeks ago I dropped a salad off at the church for the funeral of his mother, who had lived with them.  Last week the sister shared her testimony in Relief Society and expressed the heartache she felt despite the fact that her mother-in-law was quite old and her death had been expected.  It was still a loss and she felt the pain keenly.

Just behind that couple sat a woman who's father had slipped off a ladder and hit his head.  He passed away just a few days later.  His funeral was just a few short days ago.

I sat in the next row behind her, but behind me was another woman I admire.  She is caring for her elderly mother, who is starting another round of radiation for a recurring cancer.

I looked over to the other side of the room and saw the man who was just newly called into our bishopric.  About a month ago he had called my husband, networking for jobs.  His employment recently went through a change in their pay structure, and he is suddenly facing unexpected financial strain and desperately striving to find a way to keep up on their expenses.  I was touched that at a time in his life when things may seem out of control and overwhelming, he is willing to faithfully offer countless hours of service to his neighbors each week.

And a row or two in front of him was the man who had lived without the gospel during thirty years of inactivity, but shares his testimony every week through his comments and participation in the lessons.

Many of the other people in that room are still strangers to me.  But I know of several tragedies that have been faced by the individuals in my ward - death of loved ones (spouses, parents etc), health concerns, employment issues, divorce, infertility, heartbreak for one thing or another.  Knowing these histories I scanned the room and was strengthened.  These people have been through the fires of life, and yet here they were, stronger and more faithful than ever in their commitment to Jesus Christ.

The lesson began and we talked about many beautiful things.  We discussed the Savior appearing to the people in America after his resurrection.  While He was there He taught them the same things he spoke of at the Sermon on the Mount.  We read a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants which said,

"When men are called unto mine everlasting gospel, and covenant with an everlasting covenant, they are accounted as the salt of the earth and the savor of men"

and then a few chapters later we read:

"For they were set to be a light unto the world, and to be the saviors of men; and inasmuch as they are not the saviors of men, they are as salt that has lost its savor."

We discussed what it meant for us to be saviors of men and suddenly the strengthening I had felt, simply by being in the company of the people around me, began to make sense.  The Savior did not just tell us the way - he showed us the way. 

In prophesying of the Savior, King Benjamin said:

"And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people."

One of the things that made the Savior our Savior was that He came to this earth.  He experienced life.  He does not ask of us to do anything that He didn't do himself.  (In fact, He asks much less.)  CS Lewis said,

“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.  After all... you find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist.”

The Savior spent a lifetime of hardship and difficulty.  But ultimately, He didn't falter.  He lived the life the Father asked Him to live.

Likewise, as I scanned the room, I saw a group of people who had been battered and bruised.  Much like the Army of Helaman - all have been injured.  In this group of people who, both past and present, have experienced difficulty beyond their comprehension, I saw valiant children of a loving Heavenly Father who had not given up or been lost, but who had been strengthened.  And I realized, these are they who can then turn and become saviors of men.  They can truly say, "I know you can be healed, because I was healed."  They can testify of THE Savior because through their experiences, they came to truly know Him.  They have firsthand experience with His power.  They know that the peace He offers is stronger than any storm.

I sometimes reflect on the difficulties I have faced in my own life.  A lot of them didn't seem fair and I wondered what I had done wrong or why I was being punished.  Certain experiences seemed to come at costs that could never be compensated for.  Damages seemed irreparable and sometimes having an eternal perspective only seemed to heighten the heartache, not resolve it.  But in retrospect I see things differently.  Never have I faced a struggle that the atonement of Jesus Christ hasn't healed me of.  Line upon line I learned and experienced His healing power in ways that had been previously beyond my comprehension.  Daily I continue to see miracles occur, prayers answered, and blessings given.  I realized that in my own small way, perhaps I can stand as a savior to men, through my testimony of THE Savior of men.

It felt good to be in the company of these people - this group who can act as saviors of men not because they had it easier or better than other people, but because they have gone through fires and struggles.  From the outside they look simple and ordinary.  But their strength is sure, and it made a difference to me.  I'm so grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and to be blessed by the people I see at church each week.

Thanks, Brian

Last night Andrew was acting like a kid on Christmas Eve.

He was so excited because the next day was bringing him a visit from his best friend.

A friend who decided to move off to Georgia which means visits are few and far between.

It made him feel old to realize that he and Brian have been friends for 20 years!

Andrew lived down the street from me.

Brian lived directly across the street.

They weren't my age and I payed very little attention to them.

All of those years that I was oblivious to the two of them, they were friends.

They spent those years growing up in each others homes.

I've heard stories about sleepovers with nachos and M&M's.

Andrew and I started dating after we were all home from missions.

Andrew had a car and Brian and I took advantage of it.

The three of us rode to school together regularly.

One day Andrew wasn't there and it was just Brian and me.

Brian used that as an opportunity to help out (spy for) his friend.

"So, what's going on between you and Andy?" he slyly asked.

"Is it serious?"

At that moment, I had been facing some real hesitations about my developing relationship with Andrew.

We had just gone out on a large group date with a bunch of his friends.

There were girls as young as 18 in that group.

I was 22.

At that age, four years felt REALLY different.

I started to question whether or not I could see a future with this "younger" guy.

I started to waffle a bit at Brian's question.

"I don't know, I mean, we're talking about Andy Shadel."

(I almost spat the name out.)

As I always tell people - Andy Shadel wasn't just the boy down the street.

He was the boy down the street's LITTLE brother!

My condescending response fired Brian up a little.

He was nice, but he immediately put me in my place by asking what in the world I meant.

I can't remember his exact words, but I remember his tone.

And he basically told me that Andy Shadel is a great catch and I would be a fool to let him go.

Brian's conviction and allegiance to Andrew really struck me.

My trivial concerns about age melted away.

That was a real turning point in our relationship.

It isn't something I think about often.

It's really more of an afterthought.

But every once in a while I pause.

And I wonder if Andrew and I would have gotten married if it weren't for Brian.

After Brian left today I mentioned that story to Andy - I had never told him about that experience.

Andrew's response was immediate as he softly said, "I'll have to thank Brian for that."

Which is exactly why I know I should thank Brian too.

Month 1 Results

1 Month = 13 Pounds Lost!

I was hoping for 16 pounds for the month because that was my goal to get out of obesity.  But I have been consistent with my weight loss, and expect that I will achieve that goal next week, so I'm not too disappointed about it at this point.  The diet has just become routine and easy to manage.  I still haven't been great about incorporating exercise into it, though.  One day I did a 20 minute mile on the treadmill and another day I did about ten minutes.  Certainly nothing to brag about.  But I guess it was more than I had done the previous week, so we can call it improvement.  I'm really hoping that I can find a good way to come off of this diet and continue losing 1-2 pounds per week.  It will take so much longer that way, but also (hopefully) be so much cheaper.  In the mean time, I have enough food to last at least four more weeks even if I don't start transitioning off of it at all.  Another twelve pounds will put me right about the weight I was when I was nursing Peter and in Arizona.  I'm pretty sure that it the lightest I've been post-baby.  In fact, it's pretty close to what I weighed when we got married.  Unfortunately, when I weighed that much post-baby I felt like I needed to lose another 30 pounds.  When I weighed that much getting married I felt like I needed to lose 40 pounds.  My goal weight is actually a compromise between those two sizes.  I am shooting for about 35 pounds lighter than my marriage weight or about 15 pounds lighter than I was when I left on my mission.  When I left on my mission I had just put on about 20 pounds from the smallest size I had ever been as an adult (or adolescent for that matter).  Anyway, the point is that I still have a long way to go  - and into numbers that I haven't seen in more than a decade.  If only I were rich enough to stay on this diet - I know I could get there.  But I'll have to buck up and do it the hard way.

One thing I haven't really talked about was why now.  My weight has been something I've been trying to address for several years.  I've been better at addressing the exercise side of it than the food side of it.  (Ironic since I am currently doing the opposite - I really need to do BOTH.)  But at this point I am gaining education with the goal of helping people live healthier lives on a psychological level.  Part of that is teaching people to find balance in their lives and to accomplish goals and live authentic to the people they want to be. Being obese or even overweight is not authentic to who I want to be.  I feel like a hypocrite if I am trying to teach people how to improve their lives if I cannot take the responsibility to improve the things in my life that need to be addressed.  Anyway, that is the main reason I feel so driven to just dig in and do this thing without excuses at this point.  I feel like I am going through a transformation right now of trying to be a certain person, and part of who I envision that person to be is someone living life at a healthy, maintained weight.