A Change of Heart

I was visiting with the Stake President as a part of the process of preparing to leave on a mission.  After going through some of the formalities of looking over paperwork etc, he used the time to offer some council and advice.

The first thing he told me was to attend the temple as often as possible between the time I received my call and the time I left.  It was a marvelous suggestion, and I'm glad to say that following his council on that had a very positive and lifelong impact on me.

The second thing he did was confirm my commitment.  He explained that he had been sending out a lot of sister missionaries who had been coming home early.  With the sisters not having the same expectation of service, they were eager to go, but quick to come home when it wasn't as fun as they had expected.  He said that before he signed the papers approving me to go, he wanted to make sure I was really going to stick with it to the end.  I eagerly said that I would and didn't think much more about it.

Three months later my whole world had changed.  I remember lying in my bed one evening realizing that I just really didn't like missionary work.  Texas was hot and humid.  The days were long and exhausting.  My regular routine consisted of knocking on the doors of strangers to try to have a conversation that they weren't necessarily interested in having.  In short, I was miserable.

In that moment I remembered the promise I had made to President Blair.  I really wonder if I would have gone home had he not taken the initiative to have that conversation with me.  But I had promised him, so another solution had to be discovered.

I found myself on my knees, pouring out my heart to the Lord.  I explained how miserable I was - how much I didn't want to participate in the daily activities that were expected of me.  I talked about how uncomfortable I was - literally sick to my stomach with apprehension.  I even whined a little bit, feeling sorry for myself for getting trapped into this life that I had chosen and volunteered for.

I prayed for a miracle.

It seemed that a change in circumstance was what I needed.  I just didn't know how to accomplish that change.  Maybe my promise didn't matter and I really did just need to go home.  Perhaps a new area would have improved things for me.  I didn't really know what the answer was, but I trusted that Heavenly Father could alter my life in whatever major way was required.

And he did.

He changed my heart.

The next day I found that I was less miserable.  I took inventory of what was different.  I realized that nothing had changed.  The daily responsibilities were the same.  The weather and climate were the same.  The endless doors and talking to strangers was still part of our schedule.  But somehow, I had been blessed with a little more courage and a lot more joy in what I was doing.

Sometimes the biggest miracles are really so small.

I reflect on this experience when the routines of life get overwhelming.  It is so easy to say, "But I don't want to do the dishes anymore.  I don't want to make the dinner.  I don't want to do the homework.  I don't want to fulfill my calling."  I sometimes think, "But I'm tired.  I want to do something fun.  I am not smart enough or disciplined enough and able enough."  And then I remember - He can make it fun.  He can make it worthwhile, and He can bring the joy in even the most miserable and mundane task.

So often, I have learned, it isn't my circumstance that needs to change, but my heart.