Master's of Social Work at BYU

I have been surprised with the number of people who didn't know I was going to be applying to BYU.  To fill everyone in a little better, I thought I'd write about how this all came to be.

When I initially started back to school I registered as a Psychology Major.  I had two classes, got perfect grades in both of them, and loved it.  I knew that Psychology would require graduate work to accomplish anything and I was on track to need about three and a half years of full-time schooling to complete that goal.  But graduate school sounded big and scary and I started to think about  another interest I had always had - Computer Science.  I began to waffle in my decision about what direction I wanted to go.  If I switched gears and did Computer Science, it would also be about three full-time years of schooling.  I didn't want to waste my time, so whichever direction I was going to go, I wanted to know right away.  I prayed and prayed  and prayed to know what I should do.  I couldn't get an answer.  When it came time to select my next course load, I made a deal with myself that I could take one semester to try out a computer class.  It was frustrating to be potentially "wasting my time" by taking classes that I ultimately might not need, but I needed to be sure I was getting the right degree.

As it turned out, that semester validated my interest in computers.  But I still didn't feel super confident with either degree.  I started taking it a semester at a time and worked on both degrees.  I decided that I could double major, or get a minor in one and a major in the other.  Depending on the day, the answer would be different as to which degree was the primary focus.

Every semester was prayerfully considered.  After a couple of semesters, my bigger focus was on computers, but for some reason I never did change my status as a psychology major.  I got to the point where I had taken all of the computer classes I could without being in the actual program.  The problem was, I hadn't completed the math requirements to get into the program.  I was going to have to take a year off of computers to finish my math.  I kind of knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to stick with it.  I wanted to, but as much as I enjoyed programming, I was beginning to realize that I didn't have the passion it took.  That was the year I was called to serve as the Relief Society President in my ward.  And my passion emerged.  I had always tried to convince myself that if I had a genuine interest in both (which I did) that I should get the CS degree.  It was a more marketable, more lucrative education.  And I could always "help" people in callings, volunteer work and other hobby type activities.  But when I actually had my calling, I experienced such great hands-on exposure to being able to offer one-on-one assistance to people who really needed it, that my perspective began to change.  I recognized that my calling came with an expiration date.  I started to realize that I wanted to increase my education in the field and make that type of work a staple in my life.

By this point Andrew was a graduate from the U.  I was getting my degree from the U.  We were living in housing at the U.  I knew several people who had graduated from the MSW program at the U.  My plan was to apply and attend at the U.

After a while I started to think that I should keep my options open.  I had a friend who had finished her MSW program at the U, but she had gotten her undergraduate degree in social work at the Y.  After learning a little bit about the program from her, I realized that applying for the Y would be a good idea.  After all, both programs are REALLY competitive, so it just made sense to apply to both.  I started to ask my friend about the differences between the two programs, and I asked her why she had selected the U over the Y.  What I found interesting was that the more she told me about her reasons for choosing the U, the more I realized that the better fit for me was the Y.  I decided to definitely apply to both.

I was excited to mention everything I had learned about BYU's program and why it would be a good fit for me to Andrew when he came home from work that day.  He FREAKED out.  Our home was contingent on me being a student at the U.  We both LOVED living there and didn't have any plans to be moving.  He thought I was completely crazy for even considering the Y.  But after his initial freak out moment, he calmed down and agreed that what I said made a lot of sense.  We agreed that I would apply for both.

As time went on, I felt more and more strongly that the program at the Y was a better fit for me.  I wanted to be able to learn the skills of social work in a gospel context.  Most of my interest in the field stemmed from religious experiences and standards.  While my friend had wanted to be able to go outside of Utah and not be type-cast as a religious social worker, I would be happy to have BYU attached to my professional standing.  While she specifically did not want to work for the church, I would love to work for the church.  While she wanted a program that gave a broader approach, I am interested in the focus on clinical work, which is what the BYU program offers.  It didn't take long before BYU became a definite first-choice on my list.

Then I learned about the financial aspect of this decision.  The program at BYU is about $15,000.  At the U it is closer to $25,000.  At BYU, their students "historically" all get PAID internships.  At the U, the internship opportunities are almost always unpaid.  BYU fully expects you to EARN $11,000 as a part of their $15,000 program.  So it is a likely worst-case scenario that you only end up with $4,000 in tuition costs vs $25,000.  In addition to that, the MSW program at BYU has AWESOME subsidizing in the forms of scholarships.  They only admit 40 people into their program each year so it is extremely hard to get in, but by keeping the group so small, they ensure that almost everyone in the program gets some form of tuition assistance.  When I started to realize that I may actually make money during the program at the Y (something my family desperately needs me to do) or go into huge amounts of debt for the program at the U AND that the program at the Y is the one I really prefer, we decided to just put all of my eggs in one basket.  I decided that if I didn't get into the Y the first year, I would rather wait a year and try again than start the more expensive program at the U.  If that happens, I'll have a year to work which will help me gain more experience and also increase my financial ability for a more expensive program.  During that year, I can also decide if I want to expand my horizons to other schools, other BYU programs (such a marriage and family therapy) or just keep working.

Or maybe I'll just get in the first time.  From what they tell me, I have a 25% chance of being accepted.  Applications are due on Tuesday and after that it's just a waiting game.

Final Semester

My final semester of my undergraduate schooling is now in process.  I have three classes.  I decided to simplify and take them all online.  I was thinking it would be a pretty low key semester.  As I have seen the different classes laid out, however, I think it might be kind of intense.  But I am excited about the classes I have.  I am pleased with the quality of education I will be getting.

One class is a survey of careers in Psychology.  I am actually planning on switching over to Social Work for graduate school and my ultimate career path, but there is a lot of overlap that gets kind of confusing, so I figured it would be worth learning more.  I took a class similar to this for social work last semester and I felt that it really validated my choice and gave me a greater confidence in the path I am on.  I am hoping that as I learn more about the nuances that distinguish the two fields from each other from the Psychology perspective, that I will continue to feel comfortable with the path I'm on.  If I learn that there is something about a direction in psychology that is a better fit, then that is good to know before I start an MSW program.  Either way, this will be good information and a beneficial class.

The next class I am taking is Abnormal Psychology.  It is a course that the MSW program I am applying for recommends having.  One of the first psychology classes I took was Abnormal Child Psychology.  Although there is some overlap, these are actually two distinct classes that deal with different issues.  I am excited to become more educated about some of the things we'll be covering such as substance abuse and depression.

The third class I have is Adult Development and Aging.  Honestly, this is the one I was least excited about.  The MSW program I am applying for suggests getting a development class that covers across the life span.  I haven't actually seen a class like that offered at the U, but I have had Early Childhood Development and Adolescent Development, so I thought I would take this one to try to round it off.  I was thinking it would be covering the older population like my grandparents.  As it turns out, this class actually picks up right after adolescent development, so it is covering the development of my younger siblings, myself, my parents, and my grandparents.  As my teacher said, this class is probably the most applicable college course anyone could possibly take.  It will be something that is directly related to our own personal experiences and will continue to be instructional for us throughout the rest of our lives.  Not only that, but we will have chapters about communication and marriage and other interesting topics that I wouldn't have expected from this class.

Overall, I think it will be a fun semester.  We are a week into classes and I hope I can catch up because I basically ignored school last week as I have worked on my graduate application.  It is due on Tuesday and I'm hoping to submit it tomorrow.  I had to write two different essays.  One is done and ready to turn in.  The other is written, but I am still working on editing with it.  I've been planning for this deadline for about a year now.  It's crazy to have it finally be here!

January 2

It was another day of illness, and though I wanted to post another "every day" picture, I was bored with the idea of highlighting another "sick child" moment, which was pretty much the only kind of moment we had had all day.  I was thinking that I would capture Andrew coming home from work or something like that for my "every day" shot.  Either that, or me on the treadmill...

But at the end of the day Peter decided he had just enough energy to cause some mischief.  He went into where Ammon was resting on my bed and pounced on him.  The result was a GUSHING snot-filled, bloody nose for Ammon.  They both started screaming and in the excitement Peter's nose started to bleed as well.

Ammon passed up the bathroom and came out to the living room where I was.  By the time he got to me, his face was a bloody mess and his hands were covered in it as well.  I quickly marched him back to the bathroom where I figured he could wash in the sink.  He went left of the sink so I figured he was going to grab some toilet paper.  No, he buried his head in a clean towel.  Ugh.  So by this time we had blood on my bed sheets, blood trailing through the hallway, and now a fresh, clean towel covered in blood.  And he wasn't any closer to getting it to stop.  I grabbed the toilet paper, had him rinse the blood from his mouth, and demanded that both boys lay down on the bathroom floor until their Dad got home...

In a matter of moments we went from having a very boring, sick day, to experiencing way too much "excitement".  Next time I will try to appreciate the boring a little more...  

End of Year Festivities

I was at a loss as to what to do for Christmas Eve this year.  I was sad that Andrew was scheduled to work until after the kids usually go to bed (his normal schedule).  I tried to make up some good plans for us, but I never really got around to it.  As it turned out, I didn't need them.  Andrew and my dad got to talking and it came up that Andrew had never eaten one of Dad's omelettes.  Dad doesn't cook much, but his specialty is his omelettes so he invited us over on the morning of Christmas Eve to have breakfast.  While we were there, we opened presents that my parents had for us.  It was a fun morning.

Sadly, Andrew had to head out to work before too long.  But the boys and I stayed.  Everyone was having fun so we stayed longer and longer and longer.  I played games with Grandma and Dad.

After some games, Mom, Grandma and I went shopping while Dad stayed home with Ammon, Peter, and Grandpa.  The roads were covered with freshly falling snow so we thought it would be wise for us to all go together.  My dad wasn't excited about being responsible for Grandpa.  He was particularly concerned about what to do if Grandpa had any need of assistance in the bathroom.  I insisted that he was just being silly and that nothing like that would come up.

Well, I was wrong.  After not too long in the store, my mom came rushing over to let me know that she had just heard from Dad.  Grandpa had fallen - while going to the bathroom.  He was bleeding (in addition to some of the other "mess".)  Fortunately, my dad took it all quite well.  Mom and Grandma rushed home while I stayed to buy Grandma's groceries.  Then my mom came back and we shopped for some last minute gifts and headed home.

By this time we were ready to start on dinner.  Mom and Grandma invited us to stay for some delicious homemade chili and rolls.  About that time Andrew called and said he was coming home two hours early!  He arrived just in time to eat dinner.

Soon after dinner was finished, we headed home to get settled in for the night.  We convinced the boys that Santa doesn't bring presents to dirty homes, so we cleaned our rooms.  Then we opened pajamas.  This is the first year we have done this and the boys were NOT impressed.  The idea grew on them, though.  Andrew tracked Santa with the boys and then we sent them to bed.  It was a WONDERFUL Christmas Eve day!

Christmas day was just as fun.  We started with presents and then I made homemade cinnamon rolls while the boys played with their new toys.  About the time we were starting to pull the rolls out of the oven, we received a message from Andrew's parents that they were headed over.  The boys were so excited to show them all the new toys!  We had a nice time visiting and then prepared lunch.  After lunch Andrew's parents headed out and we continued to enjoy our day playing and having fun as a family.

My parents were never able to come over because they had non-stop visitors at their house.  Just before bedtime we made the impromptu decision to head over to visit them.  The boys got to stay up late and we had a great time.

One of the coolest presents we received from Santa this year was our annual pass to the Clark Planetarium.  The boys were SOOO excited about this.  On the first Saturday after Christmas we decided to go hang out as a family.  The boys loved all the different activities.  After we had played for a while, we went to the holiday light show in the dome.  The boys had been a few weeks earlier with Andrew, but it was my first time seeing it.  It was a fun day!

We were looking forward to spending the New Year with family.  We never actually made any plans, but Andrew's sister-in-law had mentioned the idea of a party, and my parents house is always a spontaneous party waiting to happen, so we figured we had options.  Sadly, the boys decided to get sick that day.  It is about the most sick I have ever seen them!  They put themselves to bed early and Andrew and I enjoyed ringing in the new year quietly on our own.

Bye, bye, 2012!  You started with unemployment and ended with us in our first home!  What a crazy year of surprises it's been.  Can't wait to see what 2013 has in store!

A Day in Pictures - Turning 9

Enjoying a special birthday breakfast made with love by Dad - chocolate chip pancakes.

I know this picture has bad lighting, but I love the expression on Peter's face.

Ammon LOVED his new electronic kit.  He whipped through the first 10 projects in a matter of minutes.  (There are more than 300 to do.)

Two of my favorite people!

Peter was DEVASTATED when he didn't get to go out for Ammon's special birthday lunch with Grandpa Derrick.  We decided to make him a special lunch at home.

Adorable cousins!

Ammon received a megazord for Christmas.  Little did the adults know that there are MORE zords it can join with.  He knew what he was doing when he picked out his Birthday present from Grandpa Derrick!

It worked out so nicely that my sister and her family were at my parents house for dinner.  We were able to sing and have cupcakes and presents and once again Ammon had a "party" in spite of his derelict mother...

Hand and Foot.

Nothing like family card games!

Enjoying Ammon's new game from Grandma Laurel

January 1

Ammon about 20 minutes after he woke up from his 16 hour night-time sleep.

I have a friend who is on her 5th year of a photography challenge to take a picture EVERY day.  She says she loves it because she captures so many every-day things that she would have otherwise forgotten.  I can pretty much guarantee that I will not be perfect in taking a picture EVERY day this year, but here is our "every day" moment of today.

I think my family will always remember the beginning of 2013 as the year we were SICK.  Really it has been the boys.  Andrew and I are worried that we might have something, or be on the verge of catching it, but our experience is nothing like what Ammon and Peter are experiencing.

They each put themselves to bed early last night.  Ammon slept from about 7:00 last night until 11:00 this morning.  He woke up, went to the bathroom, got a drink, and lied back down on the couch where he apologetically said, "Mom, I think I'm going to fall asleep again."  Peter had a similar story.  He woke up around 9:00, lied in the bath for TWO HOURS (I was so worried he was going to fall asleep and drown in there!) and then went back to sleep as soon as he got out.

The good thing about being sick was that they had an all day pass to the TV.  Sadly, there were times that they were too tired to even watch a show.  Once again, they both brought themselves upstairs from the TV room and put themselves to bed.  The Christmas break is over and school starts again tomorrow, but they won't be going.

Peter playing Spot It with Daddy for one of the rare "awake" moments of the day.

Andrew and I stayed in our pajamas all day and played up the sick day as well.  Actually, that's not true.  Andrew ran out to the grocery store for me.  But other than that, we've pretty much been in pajamas.  I'm trying to get back into the pattern of planning meals a week at a time.  We prepped all the meat for the next week.  We also got the Christmas tree down.  The other big success of my day is that I cleaned out the fridge!  Yay!  I think I threw out food from July!

It's been a weird start to the year.  Despite the few things I did accomplish, the house is in complete disarray and with the kids staying home from school and the threat of illness looming over me, I feel behind in completing my graduate school application and preparing for the beginning of next semester.  I enjoyed having Andrew home today and will miss him when he returns to work tomorrow.

I am curious to know what 2013 will bring.  Last year brought some unexpected surprises.  Some were good, others not so good.  Overall, it was an awesome year for us, though.  Life can be a crazy ride.  I'm looking forward to this next section of our journey.

Happy New Year!

Family Fun in December

For my birthday, Andrew threw a party with some of my family.

The reality is that I invited them.

But once he got wind of it, he took over and wouldn't let me lift a finger.

He got the house cleaned and ready, made the cake, and took care of hosting duties.

I was grateful to be surrounded by love and laughter.

On the 15th we woke up to some amazing snow.

Andrew actually took a yard stick to measure the snow pile on our picnic table.

He measured 1/4 inch shy of 7 inches!

The boys bundled up and went out to help him shovel the driveway.

(It may have turned into a small snowball fight instigated by Dad...)

Ammon was way overdue for a new suit.

The last one he had never really fit him correctly.

It was short and wide compared to his long and lean frame.

Additionally, it had developed a rip in the crotch.

(Which I had known about and forgotten - for about 6 months.  Ooops!)

With the new suit came something Ammon had been wanting for a while - a REAL tie.

(As opposed to a clip on tie.)

I don't know if Andrew or Ammon was more excited about putting it on for the first time.

Peter came home from kindergarten with a new gingerbread cookie recipe.

He was determined to give it a try and Sunday afternoon finally gave us a chance.

He was a good little baker, and Ammon also loved helping.

This past week I spent some time at the school.

I was invited to help Ammon's class make adorable candy trains.

It was a fun little project and I enjoyed watching my little builder at work.

He whipped through the project fast compared to some of his peers.

I could see that this is the kind of thing that comes naturally to him.

He loves to put things together!

Later that same day I was back at the school for Peter.

He was being recognized for a Leadership in Me award.

This is a great program that is being adopted by schools throughout the country.

The focus is teaching the children Stephen Covey's 7 Habits For Highly Successful People.

Peter earned his award for putting "First Things First".

We were happy that Grandma Peggy was able to attend the assembly as well.

The next two nights see us at family Christmas parties.

After that is Christmas and then Ammon's birthday.

December has been a fun month so far and I don't expect that to change.

Kicking off the Season

This is our first Christmas in our new house.

It was fun to figure out how to arrange the furniture to make room for the tree.

And now that we have a house and place to store things,

I am hoping to start collecting more and more decorations.

(Starting with a bigger tree - hopefully to be found on clearance after Christmas is over this year.)

As excited as I was to pull out our ornaments and the few decorations we have,

Ammon and Peter were even more thrilled.

It was fun to hear them exclaim, "I remember this!" time and time again.

I want to have more traditional things for them to remember, before these years are over.

Once again, Christmas season is the middle of finals for me.

While I went to LifeStone for my internship, Andrew took the boys to Home Depot.

They had fun making projects.

(Shhhh.  Don't tell them I've already seen these pictures - I'm getting their projects as gifts!)

I'm glad they had fun visiting with Santa while they were there.

Since Tucano's gives a free meal to anyone with a birthday, lunch there has become an annual tradition.

For Andrew's birthday he and I go as a date.

For Ammon and my birthday, we make it a family affair.

Ammon still loves the chicken hearts.

He just couldn't get enough.

Peter loved the bacon wrapped sirloin.

It took us a while to convince him to try anything else.

Finally he decided that the brown-sugar ham was pretty good too.

And of course they both LOVE the grilled pineapple.

This year the briscut was my favorite.

Andrew enjoyed the buffalo chicken and bacon wrapped turkey.

After lunch we went to the Andrew's parents house to make cookies.

This has turned in to such a fun tradition - we do it every Christmas season.

The recipe is one that has been in the Shadel for generations and I have come to love these cookies!

And as much as I love the cookies, the memories of making them together are even better.

Of course, we can't kick off Christmas in this house without watching this video a dozen times or so.

I grew up loving this song - mostly because my dad loved it.

We were so excited when the Tabernacle Choir, which my mother-in-law was a member of, themed their concert around this a few years ago.

Even with our enthusiasm, neither Andrew nor I anticipated loving this story as much as we do.

This year seemed to have a lot of really hard situations highlighted in the news.

I was grateful to listen to this yet again and be reminded that even when things seem dark, there is still light.

I've also enjoyed a few nights out for Christmas festivities.

The ladies in my neighborhood did a tour of four homes where we learned about different traditions.

It was a really fun night.

I also had the chance to attend an ornament exchange party.

I'm still wrapping up school and getting ready to apply for graduate school.

But somehow, I've been able to also breathe a little and enjoy the season.

And in just a few more days, hopefully I'll be able to immerse myself in holiday cheer even more.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a multi-day event for us.

The day before is when we cook.

Ammon makes pumpkin pie, and Peter makes a peanut butter cheese-ball.

I make sweet potato casserole and Andrew makes sausage stuffing.

I love that each of us contributes and enjoys cooking.

This year was supposed to be Thanksgiving with my family.

But somehow, Andrew's family has gotten onto the same schedule as us.

So this year we went to both.

It was a fun day, but I doubt we'll do that again.

I don't know how to resolve the fact that Andrew's family is now on the same schedule as my family.

I'm frustrated and stressed about it already.

We spent the morning at my parents house.

We got there first and David and Nikki were close behind.

We played California Speed and Zilch, and of course, Hearts.

Andrew enjoyed football and mom's infamous "spread".

In our house, our Thanksgiving is much less about the big meal, and more about the food we snack on all day.

Dan was there, Rebecca showed up, and so did Joe and his family.

When it was time for Andrew's family to gather, we went to his parents house.

Tables were set with china.

Peggy had gone all out and even made a bacon covered turkey.

After the meal we played Zilch, Uno and RummiKube.

It was lots of fun!

When everything wrapped up, we headed home and stopped by my parents house again.

This time we were able to see Katy and her family.

We were too late to have the kids all do the craft together, but Peter still worked on his.

We had a fun group game of Apples to Apples.

Jeremiah made me a fresh batch of his stuffed mushrooms.

The night ended way too quickly.

I had a great day, but I was sad to have missed out on so much of the time I should have had with my family.

It was a real bummer to have to see them in shifts.

Still, we are lucky to be surrounded by so many family members.
It really was a wonderful way to spend the holiday!

Number 3

This little doll is my third niece born in 2012.

As such, she was the third one to be blessed.

She is also the third daughter - out of three children.

She was born to the number three child in my family - (although he was the first son).

Of all of the grandchildren, she is the third redhead.

(Her sisters are the other two).

She lives in the third house on her street.

Her parents were the third ones in our family to get married.

And I'm betting if I tried, I could come up with a few other number three things about her.

All in all, she has convinced me that 3 is a pretty awesome number.

Simplify

At the end of every semester comes the stress of trying to pick the best schedule for the next semester.  There are so many options.  So many factors.  For years I struggled because I wasn't committed to which degree I was working on, so I did my best to select the classes that seemed best at the time, unsure of where they were leading.  Finally, I know which degree I am completing and this next semester is the last one.  You would think that would bring a sense of relief.  It doesn't.  I am stressed beyond belief because this is my last chance to raise my GPA as high as I can get it, gain experiences such as research and internship options as an undergrad, and get exposure to certain aspects of my chosen field.  More stressful, even, than all of that is the fact that this is my last chance to boost my eligibility for graduate school.  If I get in for next fall, then nothing I do this semester really matters.  But on the chance that I don't get in, there are things that this semester could do for me in terms of making me a stronger applicant next year.  Sadly, I won't know which situation I am in until it is too late.

And so it is that once again I have nothing but prayer and faith to help me determine the course of the next several months of my life.  What an adventure.

There are so many pressures building up inside of me right now.  So many things that I want to do (internships and certain classes) and so many things I feel are necessary (seeking an immediate income).  As my mind goes in circles with the confusion of these questions and the implications of one leading to the next to the next to the next, I keep coming back to this gentle, calm and quiet idea.  "Simplify."  I am trying to filter  how many and which of so many good options I should select, and the answer I seem to continuously fall back to is, "none of them."

There is something so tempting about the idea of slowing down a little.  It sounds restful.  There is something so scary about slowing down a little.  It sounds, I don't know, uninteresting?  Although it makes my life chaotic in schedules and I am constantly on the run, barely getting to my boys in time, or relying on babysitters to help me out, I also find a satisfaction and stimulation in the work I do.  I feel rejuvenated and alive when I'm heading home from observing a therapy session or working on my CASA case.  After two years of living in a place where I had constant and immediate access to friends, and then the last six months of such busy but great experiences, I worry that I will feel lost and/or isolated if I simply register for three online classes to finish off my degree.

Last night I came home from an evening therapy session.  With Andrew working at nights, this was the first time all semester I had gone in the evening.  I have had a weekly evening class, though, and when that cancelled, I decided to get in some extra hours to finish up the semester strong.  Ammon, Peter and I all had the worst meltdowns last night.  I didn't pick them up until after bedtime.  Peter hadn't eaten dinner despite having brought his dinner with him AND being offered a different dinner.  Even though he hadn't had dinner, he was eating candy when I got him.  I just felt like he needed a mom to be there (instead of a very sweet and overindulgent great-grandmother who was kindly watching him.)  The kids fought over what they were doing, and didn't want to come home.  I felt like such a failure.  I began this semester feeling so very concerned about the amount of time my children would have neither parent with them.  Andrew and I discussed it and made a very deliberate choice that it would work for the short term.  Last night I truly regretted my decision and mourned the fact that Peter is entering the second half of his Kindergarten year and has had only small phases of his life where I have had the opportunity to truly be a stay-at-home mom.  I never envisioned myself as anything but a full-time homemaker and yet I am facing the reality that a homemaker is never something I'll really be.  I have long since grieved the small size of my family, but suddenly Peter's age is bringing on a new grief for the experiences I am realizing I will never have even with my small family.

As usual, some sleep helped and I felt a bit better upon waking up.  I am confident that this past semester, I followed the revelation I was given and gained invaluable experiences that I needed at this phase in my education and personal development.

This morning Peter was sick and I was able to cancel the plans I had to be running out to get internship hours at LifeStone.  I spent the day at home and started working on my application for graduate school.  I changed classes for next semester and added in the field study class (which is my school-credit for internships).  I kept trying to rationalize it and convince myself how much more balanced next semester would be.  But as the day came to an end, I started envisioning a different semester.  My eyes were opened to some of the quiet and simple things I could and should do both in and out of my home if I could just slow down a little.  I was reminded that I had known my answer all along.  I don't want to type it here, because I'm still not committed to it.  But I really do think that this semester is supposed to be a time of my life when I simplify.

Month 2 Results

I began my diet on September 20.

It has been less than two months and I am down 20 pounds.

Yay!!!

The second month was not as successful as the first.

A lot of factors played into that.

First, I wasn't as focused.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do when the food ran out.

I didn't know if I was full-on dieting, or starting to wean myself off of the food.

I fell into a trap of doing a messy combination of the two.

I am pretty sure that is a huge factor in my slowed weight loss.

Also, I started allowing myself a lot more indulgences.

I ate the food served at a birthday party, a relief society activity, a baby blessing and more.

I was just more relaxed in my approach.

Finally, I didn't monitor things as closely.

For the first few days I was frustrated with not losing as fast as I wanted.

I decided to stop obsessing and just let the weight come off in it's own time.

But I think I would have been better off to continue tracking things more frequently.

On Sunday night I ordered food for a third month.

I also started exercising this week.

I think I've lost more than two pounds just since then.

(five days)

I am recommitted to doing this diet exactly.

(Although I think I'm giving myself Thanksgiving day to be a normal non-dieting person.)

I don't know what will happen after the food from month 3 runs out.

But I just can't worry about that right now.

For now I am enjoying seeing the numbers continue to melt away.

Even with 20 lbs down, my goal is still to lose 42 more so there is still a long road ahead.

I'd like to get through the holiday season keeping things pretty strict.

I want to develop some long-term lifestyle changes.

I expect my weight loss will slow at that point, but it will be better in the long run.

I'm hoping to get to my half way point before I make the switch off Medifast, though.

That means my goal is to lose 11 more lbs before I wean off of Medifast.

Wish me luck!

:)

Name

I just stumbled across a "This is Me" challenge on Pinterest, and I thought I'd go ahead and try answering some of the personal history questions.

Today's installment is centered around my name:  

What is your full name and how did you get that name?

I feel like my mom should be the one writing this down since I am bound to get it wrong.  All I can do is write about the explanations and storied I remember hearing as a child.

My name is Jennifer Lynn.  The fact that my middle name is Lynn was always obvious.  It is my mother's first name.  Jennifer is a little less obvious.  In fact just last night I was telling some friends that my mom actually wanted to name me Amalie.  The way I have always heard the story is that my dad nixed the name Amalie because it sounded too much like hominy.  He figured a girl with that name would get teased and be called "Grits".  Apparently hominy is a corn-like item that is used to make grits?  As someone who has never been in a culture where hominy is common, this story has always confused me.  But I digress.  Mom wanted to name me Amalie, and Dad nixed it.  He had his own brilliant idea.  My dad wanted to name me Jerusha!  (Because that wouldn't induce teasing of any kind...)  It was meant to be a tribute to Hyrum Smith's first wife, who was a wonderful woman.  But I am still pretty glad that my mom tabooed that one.  In the end they settled on Jennifer.  I was told, with a shrug, that it was the first name they agreed on and so that was that.

I was always distraught by the commonality of my name.  For the first several years of elementary school, I was always guaranteed to have at least two other Jennifer's in my class.  To make it even worse, my middle name, though in my case given for my mom, was often associated with the first name Jennifer.  I always wished my middle name with Elizabeth.  Not only was it a beautiful name, but it was also the name of my favorite character in my favorite book series (Sweet Valley Twins).  And as if that wasn't enough, if my name had been Jennifer Elizabeth Nunes, my initials would have been J.E.N.  And that would have been cool!

Do you have any nicknames?

My parents always told me that my nickname was Baby-Bundle, though I don't have any memories of being called that. I was born five weeks early in the middle of winter. I weighed 5 lbs 11 oz. My parents talked about me always being kept in a bundle of blankets and that is where that name came from.

Other than that, my nickname was always Jenny.  It worked well and pretty soon I had six younger siblings with matching nicknames:  Katy, Joey, Danny, Jimmy, Davy, Becky.  As adults my sister Katy and I are the only ones who didn't switch over to more formal versions of our names.  (And my brother Jimmy, who died the day he was born.)

When I was in 7th grade we moved and my mom told me it was a great opportunity to "change my identity" if I wanted to.  She knew I wanted a name that was more unique.  I think I passed at that point, but as I entered High School she brought up the same option.  In trying to come up with a more stand-out version of my name, we came up with - are you ready for this:  Jenn.  With TWO n's.  Yeah, we were WAY out there!  In retrospect I always wished I had drawn on my middle name and gone by something like JLynn.  (Jaelyn?) Oh well.  It wasn't meant to be.

In High School I did have one other name.  To my very large group of friends, I was known as Bob.  As was typical, my group of friends had more than one Jennifer in it.  People were getting confused so my friend and neighbor Tim decided to solve that problem by naming us Bob and Chuck.  Those names seriously stuck!  My name evolved into Jenny-Bob and when "Chuck" got married (to Tim!) she was known as Jen VanShadel.  Then I married into the Shadel family as well.  We were back to the old conundrum of matching names.  There were now two Jennifer Shadel's.  We were talking about it one day and brought up our old nicknames.  My mother-in-law stopped us right then and there and banned those "boy names" from ever being used in reference to her daughters-in-law.  Ever since then I have been exclusively Jenny,a name my SIL has never gone by, and she varies between Jennifer and Jen.

I have always hated being called Jennifer.  I always say that being called Jennifer is the most blatant sign that the person talking to me doesn't know me at all.  I have NEVER gone by my formal name.

Weekend Projects

We got our first real snow!

The last snow storm brought a light dusting and was melted away within hours.

This storm brought inches and inches of heavy, wet snow.

The boys were in heaven!

They went out and played in the back yard.

I think every last inch of our yard has footprints covering it.

Those two had a blast!

For what felt like the first time EVER, we had a Saturday with no plans.

We hung out at home and LOVED it.

Then we got ambitious and decided to tear out the kitchen cabinets we wanted to remove.

Andrew did a great job and we couldn't be happier with the results.

(Although we still need to do some of the cosmetic/finish work.)

This is the cabinet we are using to replace the ones we tore out.

We intend to build a larger one across the wall that will hold the trash bins as well.

But in the mean time, this one is working out wonderfully for us.

We finished our family day at home with a fun dessert project.

I saw this idea on Pinterest (when Kara pinned it) and knew we would HAVE to try it.

The boys (Andrew included) LOVE candy corns.

With a cookie dough center, they worked hard to transform their candy corns into

corn on the cob!

It was a great finish to a fun family day.

Fondue

At the last minute, we decided we would have a Sunday Roast for dinner.

It had been a while, and it sounded yummy.

On a whim, we decided to throw in a fondue dessert.

Andrew headed off for our standard Saturday night shopping trip and picked up all the supplies.

We had talked about inviting people over either for dinner or just dessert.

But I had a BIG paper due, and I couldn't commit to hostessing.

I ended up getting far enough done, however, that we decided to invite Andrew's parents over.

The meal was delicious!

Andrew had woken up before me and gotten everything into the crock pot.

We ate dinner and then whipped out the fondue.

The boys were in heaven!

Ammon became a chocolate MESS.

It was hilarious to watch him eating fondue.

Peter loved it, although he was just as content to eat the fruit without the chocolate.

Tonight was spent with good food and great company.

What more can a person ask for?

Uncle Andrew

Yesterday we had a chance to attend a birthday party with Andrew's side of the family.

This past summer, two new baby girls joined the family.

I always make Andy hold the babies.

He always complains.

But I am convinced he loves it!

(Just look at the smiles he has in those pictures!)

He also had fun helping Birthday-Boy try on his new helmet.

Andrew would never say it about himself - he doesn't believe it.

But he's good with kids.

And I love to see him with them.

It was a good party.

Fun was had by all!

And we'll all be together again in just a few short weeks for Thanksgiving.

:)

Halloween

We had a fun Halloween.

The boys dressed up for school and I was able to sneak in to both class parties.

Peter was having a great time making cookies.

Ammon had actually gotten sick swinging on the tire swing during recess.

His teacher said he was starting to get his color back.

But by the time the parade stared, he was doing well.

My sister-in-law and I sat together and watched to parade.

We were right outside Peter's classroom.

When he finally circled back and was finishing his portion of the parade, he was excited to say,

"I saw Grandpa Fred!"

I had invited my grandparents to come see the parade, but I hadn't followed up with them.

They had made it, though, so I moved locations and watched the rest of the parade with them.

We saw Ammon come through.

He had lots of fun, but he was mostly excited to point out his two favorite costumes:

A toilet, and a Rubik's Cube.

After school we headed over to my parents house for a visit.

We have always done our trick-or-treating in their neighborhood.

This was the first year we really had our own responsibility of handing out candy.

I guess that's the downside of home-ownership - No more trick-or-treating as a family.

Andrew came home from work in time for dinner.

Every year on Halloween he makes Red Beans and Rice.

I had been counting down for weeks!

It was delicious!

Ammon had two friends at school that had arranged to trick-or-treat with him.

I joined with one of the friends mom's and we took our group around the nieghborhood.

Andrew stayed home to pass out candy.

He was excited to see his primary kids.

He bought them each a custom ordered super-sized treat.

Andrew's dad came and hung out with him for the evening.

We never did get to see Grandma Peggy on Halloween since she was being Nurse Peggy.

At one point I lost Ammon.

He was racing from door to door, which I was fine with.

Until it got dark and I realized he was in all black.

And we got to a point where he could have gone about three different directions.

I didn't know which one he picked.

But we found him after a few minutes.

Soon after that Peter got tired.

Andrew came to pick him up.

He brought a glow-stick necklace to keep Ammon visible.

I was shocked when we finished trick-or-treating by 7:30.

But the boys were satisfied with their loot and content to call it a night.

Amazingly, kids were in bed by 8:00 and sleeping soon after.

The Halloween of the Ninja's was a success!

Contradictions and Grief

The past month or so has been interesting to experience.  Time and again I have been filled with this immense gratitude at the circumstances of my life.  I have felt blessed beyond measure - so content and filled with joy. And yet, in quiet moments I have also been filled with a fresh wave of grief and loss at what I imagined my life would be.

Somehow, when Peter was born, I knew he would be my last child.  I hoped it wasn't true and after prayerfully wrestling the situation again and again, and coming to a definite and irrefutable answer, I still explained it away to myself as I extended the "no more children" answer I kept receiving into "no more children NOW".

Our family size is a complex combination of choice (based on so many different factors), revelation, (which is the only real explanation), and fertility complications (which could likely be overcome with minimal effort).

These flashes of grief, which I thought were long-settled, are suddenly showing up with greater frequency.  We always said that we would be done having children by the time I reached the age of 35.  From a medical perspective, age 35 is when a lot of risks increase.  And after Andrew went through the terrifying circumstances of Ammon's birth, we were recommitted to the idea that I, of all people, was not one who should knowingly jump into a circumstance of "increased risk" for anything medically related.  Still, a few years ago as I longingly hoped that the answer that no more children would come was only temporary, I determined that with Heavenly Father in charge, anything was possible, and even my age couldn't be a deterrent.  In my mind, as many arguments and reasons I have, including physical factors that are potentially out of my control, the fact that the family I have is Heavenly Father's design for me is the only valid explanation for my family not being the larger size I had always hoped and dreamed for.

But whether my age is a true cut-off for the possibility of more children or not, turning 35 next month does seem to remind me that I am reaching a point in my life which I pictured very differently than it is.  And as much as I have found peace and even joy at the things in my life, a part of me is mourning afresh for what I thought it would be.

Gratitude

Every day I am filled with an awed sense of gratitude for my husband.

I feel fortunate beyond measure.

He is my best friend.

He brings the romance into my life that I have always craved.

He helps with laundry, cooking, child-rearing and every home fix-it project he can find.

He works hard day in and day out.

He supports me in my schooling.

He watches out for my emotional well-being and steps in when I need a break.

He is a THE super-hero in my life.

Without hesitation he showers me with every good thing within his power to give.

I once had a friend comment that she had never been to my house

without having been a first-hand witness of my husband serving me - 

in one capacity or another.

And as I reflected on her comment, I realized she was right.

His ways of service are quiet.

He always brings me a drink, or checks on the kids, or gets me my socks when my feet are cold.

He lets me put my icy hands on his chest to warm them up.

He drives Ammon to school.

He lets me sleep in.

He makes breakfast for the boys EVERY day.

I know I am spoiled.

I often daily think I would be lost without him.

As each evening comes to an end we snuggle into bed together.

We laugh and talk and reminisce about our day.

And when I am adequately talked-out, I roll over onto my side - 

My "sleeping position" he knowingly teases.

I literally grin from ear to ear - because I know what's going to come next.

He rolls over behind me, wraps his arm around me, and then we both drift off to sleep.

It is the happiest moment of my day.

This sleeping pattern began for my benefit.

I am the one who has to be on my side to finally fall asleep.

And I am the one who wanted to be wrapped in his arms.

But he recently admitted that he can no longer fall asleep any other way.

Life can feel so perfect.

But many of you know that this perfection didn't always exist for us.

We have had a challenging past.

And there were days weeks months when I genuinely believed our marriage wouldn't last.

Those were hard, dark days.

And to make it more challenging, they came and went and then came again.

There were good days and bad days muddled and confused.

Until eventually all that seemed left was the bad.

I thought the end of our marriage had come with a finality.

I began to plan for a life without him - the single parent of two very young boys.

I looked into my future laid out in this way and felt keenly that the hardest years of my life were ahead.

I couldn't help but wonder -

If I know that these next few years will be hard,

and if I commit to fight and work and be drug through the mud of life,

would I prefer my prize to be a new future, divorced and ready for a better chance at love?

Or would I want my prize to come rewarded with the richness of all that was good in our past?

For me, the answer became increasingly evident.

In my situation it worked to stay true to my covenants.

"For better or worse."

We made it through storms that seemingly couldn't have been worse.

And having come from a place such as that,

I have never since spent a single day taking our love for granted.

I know how close that love came to being lost forever.

And constantly I am struck with the understanding of how fortunate I am.

***

A few weeks ago I was touched by the strength of people around me.

People who are fighting battles and facing severe struggles.

This week I became aware of many more difficulties born by those I know.

And it seems to never end.

Yesterday I looked into my Grandma's eyes -

weary with concern for her husband's health.

She is four decades further along on the path of life than I am.

Shouldn't life  be easier by then?

But in His love and infinite wisdom, Heavenly Father did not create a world of ease.

Rather, he provided a plan that offers strength and healing.

We would not believe the strength we are capable of, were it not tested through trials.

And we would never know the power of healing offered through the Savior,

were we not to experience it firsthand.

Though it may be a hard lesson that we continually learn as we journey through this existence, 

I know that the opportunity to develop this strength and gain this healing is a priceless gift.

These blessings come from God,

and as such,

they bring with them infinite peace and joy beyond measure.

***