Simplify

At the end of every semester comes the stress of trying to pick the best schedule for the next semester.  There are so many options.  So many factors.  For years I struggled because I wasn't committed to which degree I was working on, so I did my best to select the classes that seemed best at the time, unsure of where they were leading.  Finally, I know which degree I am completing and this next semester is the last one.  You would think that would bring a sense of relief.  It doesn't.  I am stressed beyond belief because this is my last chance to raise my GPA as high as I can get it, gain experiences such as research and internship options as an undergrad, and get exposure to certain aspects of my chosen field.  More stressful, even, than all of that is the fact that this is my last chance to boost my eligibility for graduate school.  If I get in for next fall, then nothing I do this semester really matters.  But on the chance that I don't get in, there are things that this semester could do for me in terms of making me a stronger applicant next year.  Sadly, I won't know which situation I am in until it is too late.

And so it is that once again I have nothing but prayer and faith to help me determine the course of the next several months of my life.  What an adventure.

There are so many pressures building up inside of me right now.  So many things that I want to do (internships and certain classes) and so many things I feel are necessary (seeking an immediate income).  As my mind goes in circles with the confusion of these questions and the implications of one leading to the next to the next to the next, I keep coming back to this gentle, calm and quiet idea.  "Simplify."  I am trying to filter  how many and which of so many good options I should select, and the answer I seem to continuously fall back to is, "none of them."

There is something so tempting about the idea of slowing down a little.  It sounds restful.  There is something so scary about slowing down a little.  It sounds, I don't know, uninteresting?  Although it makes my life chaotic in schedules and I am constantly on the run, barely getting to my boys in time, or relying on babysitters to help me out, I also find a satisfaction and stimulation in the work I do.  I feel rejuvenated and alive when I'm heading home from observing a therapy session or working on my CASA case.  After two years of living in a place where I had constant and immediate access to friends, and then the last six months of such busy but great experiences, I worry that I will feel lost and/or isolated if I simply register for three online classes to finish off my degree.

Last night I came home from an evening therapy session.  With Andrew working at nights, this was the first time all semester I had gone in the evening.  I have had a weekly evening class, though, and when that cancelled, I decided to get in some extra hours to finish up the semester strong.  Ammon, Peter and I all had the worst meltdowns last night.  I didn't pick them up until after bedtime.  Peter hadn't eaten dinner despite having brought his dinner with him AND being offered a different dinner.  Even though he hadn't had dinner, he was eating candy when I got him.  I just felt like he needed a mom to be there (instead of a very sweet and overindulgent great-grandmother who was kindly watching him.)  The kids fought over what they were doing, and didn't want to come home.  I felt like such a failure.  I began this semester feeling so very concerned about the amount of time my children would have neither parent with them.  Andrew and I discussed it and made a very deliberate choice that it would work for the short term.  Last night I truly regretted my decision and mourned the fact that Peter is entering the second half of his Kindergarten year and has had only small phases of his life where I have had the opportunity to truly be a stay-at-home mom.  I never envisioned myself as anything but a full-time homemaker and yet I am facing the reality that a homemaker is never something I'll really be.  I have long since grieved the small size of my family, but suddenly Peter's age is bringing on a new grief for the experiences I am realizing I will never have even with my small family.

As usual, some sleep helped and I felt a bit better upon waking up.  I am confident that this past semester, I followed the revelation I was given and gained invaluable experiences that I needed at this phase in my education and personal development.

This morning Peter was sick and I was able to cancel the plans I had to be running out to get internship hours at LifeStone.  I spent the day at home and started working on my application for graduate school.  I changed classes for next semester and added in the field study class (which is my school-credit for internships).  I kept trying to rationalize it and convince myself how much more balanced next semester would be.  But as the day came to an end, I started envisioning a different semester.  My eyes were opened to some of the quiet and simple things I could and should do both in and out of my home if I could just slow down a little.  I was reminded that I had known my answer all along.  I don't want to type it here, because I'm still not committed to it.  But I really do think that this semester is supposed to be a time of my life when I simplify.