Rejection Yields Depression

A week ago, out of the blue, I received an e-mail I was not expecting.  The decision had been made on my graduate school application and it was ready to review.  I had been told that a first wave of acceptance letters were sent out in February, and I knew this must be it.  I took a deep breath wondering what I was really getting myself into.  I was amazed and scared at the undertaking - at finally having to face the reality of going to graduate school.  It was a prospect that had scared and overwhelmed me on so many levels.  And here it was, becoming a reality on a regular Monday morning with Peter fighting for my attention as I tried to pull up the website.  And in the midst of all of these overwhelming thoughts and swatting Peter away from the computer screen, I read those telling words, "We regret to inform you."

A part of me was stunned.  A part of me wants to think I knew.  The relief I had always said would come upon getting denied was there even more than I had predicted.  And the heartache at losing a dream hit harder than I was prepared for.  I cried a lot that day.  In fact, the next day Peter noticed that my nose was peeling from having spent so much time blowing it the day before.

The second day I was fine.  Until that evening.  But, as the song says, "the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder.  As they tear your hope apart - as they turn your dream to shame."  I was once again swallowed up in that devastation of loss.  I looked out the window and saw the beautiful moonlight and it somehow soothed my aching soul.

The timing of my rejection had been interesting.  The day before had brought an awareness of a company moving to South Jordan.  I had thought about how fun it would be to work there, but immediately dismissed the thought, thinking it would be impossible with school.  Monday night I asked about employment opportunities and was encouraged to apply.  By Thursday I had an interview scheduled.  It almost seems meant to be.

I had the interview today, and I am more depressed than ever.

The job has the potential of being a dream job to me.  Except for one thing:  I have a life.  They are looking for someone who can work 45-50 hours - and a lot of them in the evening.  Ugh.  It is a job I think I *could* love.  But it doesn't seem like the right time in my life to take it on.  (Which isn't even an option right now, as I haven't been offered the job.  I just can't even decide if I really want it.)  I feel like this job would take me away from my family so much more than I am ready for.  One of the biggest consolations of not getting into graduate school is the freedom of being able to focus more on my kids.  This job would completely reverse that perk.

Andrew is bummed out that we both feel that I *need* to work.  He has always been supportive of me pursuing whatever career goals I did or didn't have.  He wants me to do whatever I want to do.  But he hates that our current situation pretty much obligates me to work.

I am discouraged.  I spent years trying so hard to find the right path.  I *finally* felt like I knew what I was supposed to do.  For the entire process I knew that it was more likely I would be rejected than be accepted.  I was prepared for that.  I thought I had a backup.  "Get a job."

But needing to get a job just puts me back on that road of, "I don't know where I'm going or how to get there."  I am in the dark once again, only able to take one step at a time.

I have felt comforted this past week as I reviewed the path I have been on.  I have been confident that I did everything the way I should.  I felt comfortable that the outcome was not something I should have controlled differently.  There has been peace in that.

But today I just feel like a failure.

I am sad.  I am overwhelmed.  I don't know where to go or what to do.  I am not excited about any prospects.  The fact that I have a dream job dangling in front of me is just all the more a mockery that it isn't *actually* what I want.  What I want - and have always wanted - is to be at home raising a family.  I tried to juggle it with school as long as I could.  That seemed a legitimate justification to avoid becoming a "working mom".  But my excuses have run out, and we need more money.  Reality has hit, and I need to figure out where to go from here.  Time to learn a new juggling act as I balance the need for income, the fulfillment of work, and the schedule of family.  I know things will work out.  But right now I am waiting for my friends Ben and Jerry to come console me.