Paradigm Shift

The other night I couldn't sleep.  We had been out to a movie, enjoyed great company, picked the boys up from playing with their cousins LATE into the night, and I was exhausted and ready for bed.  But somehow, my day didn't feel done, and I spent an hour restlessly tossing and turning before finally getting back up.

I like to sit at my computer and play dumb games like Solitaire.  I have always been a huge Solitaire player - even before it became popularized by computer versions.  To justify this incredible waste of time, I like to go to lds.org and listen to General Conference talks.  This was my intent, but as I pulled it up, I noticed that the front page featured a recent CES devotional by Elder Bednar.  I used to love attending these back when I was a young single adult, but I haven't made a practice of listening to the messages since that time.  I decided to give it a try, and I am so glad I did!

The message was called "That we might not... shrink."  It seemed a strange title to me, but I clicked the button anyway, and started my game.

Elder Bednar started talking about Elder Maxwell.  He gave a brief background of who Elder Maxwell is.  (Am I really so old that there are now young single adults who don't KNOW Elder Maxwell?)  He spoke of an opportunity he had to ask Elder Maxwell what he had learned through his battle with cancer.  Elder Maxwell responded, "Dave, I have learned that it is better to not shrink than to survive."

I still didn't really get it.  But Elder Bednar went on to explain.  He spoke of visiting a young couple in the hospital.  The husband had been diagnosed with cancer just three weeks after they were married.  The prognosis was not good.  After a brief visit, this young husband asked Elder Bednar for a blessing.  Elder Bednar said he was happy to serve in that way, but was surprised when he was prompted to first ask questions.

"Do you have the faith to NOT be healed."

You may already be familiar with the talks But if Not and Come What May and Love It.  The message is similar.  Somehow this presentation, though, helped me make a stronger connection to the doctrine of the atonement and the strength of faith in applying this principle.

The talk was beautifully presented and seemed very pertinent to me right now.

For the past year I have said that I had the faith to NOT get into graduate school.  But I really felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing in pursuing this path, and the rejection has stung.  Still, my first thought upon learning that I wasn't accepted was to turn to this little video message:

Despite an initial acceptance of missing out on this path, I soon allowed myself to get lost in the discouragement   After a week or two of wallowing in distress, I began to feel a bit better.  I'm afraid to admit that a good portion of that mental improvement is conditioned on some exciting potentials my husband is experiencing at his work.

I needed the reminder of the lesson I feel that I have already learned a million times over in my short life.  "But if not," and "come what may and love it" weren't strong enough.  I needed to be instructed to "not shrink".

When I was twelve years old, my seven year old cousin was hit by a car while riding his bike.  As an extended family, we decided to fast for him.  Fasting is always a sacrifice, especially when you are twelve, but it seemed easy enough when put into perspective of what it was for.  We would skip breakfast and lunch, go to church, and then eat dinner shortly after getting home.  This was manageable.

I arrived at my Young Women's meeting - the last hour of the church schedule, to learn that for the first and only time in my entire Young Women's experience, we were going to leave the church building for an object lesson at our leaders home.  The object lesson was a beautiful gourmet breakfast like nothing I had ever before seen.  In my memory, I view it the same way as the feast was described in The Little Princess.

Suddenly this manageable sacrifice seemed very impossible.  I had decided to fast before I knew all the facts.  Had I known this breakfast was going to happen, I would have planned to fast on another day.  My fast was just a few short hours from being over.  Surely it would be OK to end it early considering the unexpected change in circumstances...

As I considered these thoughts, I somehow had a greater resolve to stick with my commitment.  I stayed true to my fast until we came together as a family to end it.

This is where the story gets interesting to me.  Just a few days later, my Aunt decided that it was time to take her son off of life support.  There was no chance for recovery.  My cousin died.

I have always wondered how my life might have changed if I had broken my fast.  I think I would have always carried the silent guilt of "knowing" that I was the reason our faith wasn't enough.  Instead, I always carried the secret confidence that I demonstrated greater faith and obedience to the law of the fast than I realized was in me, and that because of that, I was confident that the Lord's will had prevailed.  What could have been a terribly upsetting and disillusioning experience, became a great teaching moment in my life.

I look back on these past few years and wonder what it was all for.  Why did I choose the classes I chose and take the path that I did?  Logically, there are things that could have been done differently that may have made the critical difference.  There is the temptation to second guess myself.  But I was there, through those years, and I know how diligently I sought the will of the Lord each and every semester.  I know how earnestly I pleaded to know His plan and then, upon receiving answers,  went to work to try to follow it.  Obedience is the key to accepting the possibility that you may "not survive".  Through faith in the atonement and obedience to whatever direction I receive from the Lord, I know that to "not shrink" is the greatest path of all.

In life there is knowing, and there is doing.  I think I know.  And I even have some experience in the doing.  But every test is different somehow, even when it seems so familiar.  Wish me luck as I continue to try to "do".