Scheduling the Wedding

(part 1 of 4)

I woke up with one pressing thought on my mind: "I need to call the temple and schedule my wedding."  I jumped out of bed, ran upstairs and quickly retrieved the phone book from the kitchen.  I was back in my room, phone in hand, dialing the number before the absurdity of my actions occurred to me.  I suddenly stopped and exclaimed out loud, "What am I doing?"

The night before Andy and I had been on a date and somehow conversation had gotten me into an emotional tizzy.  The topic of marriage had come up due to some comments made by other people, and I was going on and on about all the reasons I wasn't ready to get married.  I had been distraught and upset and completely beside myself at the thought of "giving up my independence" and making a commitment of that level.  I listed all the reasons marriage would interrupt my life in an unwelcome way and why it just wasn't something I was interested in at this point in my life.  It had just been a theoretical conversation - we had no plans or intentions to cause serious concern.  But my distress at the thought was extreme and I made it known.  Andy had thoughtfully listened to me during probably my most horrific breakdown ever (in retrospect I honestly blame hormones for the craziness I felt that night) and after several attempts to comfort me, he finally offered to give me a blessing.  I don't remember what he said in that blessing - just that I felt a sense of calm come over me.  He left shortly afterwards and I immediately went to bed.

As I recounted the events of the night before, remembering that not only did Andy and I NOT have any sort of understanding of marriage, but that I had spent hours that previous night building up a case as to why I wouldn't be at all interested any time soon, well, it gave me reason to pause and I quickly slammed the phone back down onto the receiver.

But the impression remained, "Call the temple and schedule your wedding."

I battled with this for several moments - the clear and blatant prompting vs the complete insanity of the idea.  Somehow during the night, my heart had changed.  I knew I wanted to be married to my sweetheart and best friend.  I wanted to spend eternity with the man who listened to my tirade with patience and stood by me to offer comfort and support.  I wanted to move forward, united in life with the man that I could share myself with so completely and honestly.  From the beginning of our relationship, Andy was a person with whom I could admit my most genuine thoughts more openly than anyone else I had ever known.  With him I could be me and from him I received nothing but love and acceptance.  Andy was thoughtful, tender, fun, intelligent, handsome, spiritual...  the list ran on and on.  He was everything I wanted - the discussion of marriage wouldn't have so terrified me otherwise.  And in the light of the morning sun I was no longer frightened.  I was suddenly willing and desirous to pledge my life to him.

Still, the realization that I wanted to marry my amazing boyfriend was a far stretch from needing to schedule my wedding.  But as I tried to wade through my thoughts and feelings, the prompting to do so would not go away.

I set aside the phone and knelt in prayer.  I prayed and prayed and prayed, pouring out my heart to Heavenly Father.  I explained my desire to always be obedient to His will, but also pointing out how ludicrous this seemed considering my most recent conversations and understandings with Andy.  The prompting remained and I finally finished my prayer committing to trust Heavenly Father in this ridiculous course of action and act in faith.

With determination I retrieved the phone and began dialing the number.  It had been easy to find - the phone book practically fell open to the correct page.  (In retrospect that has always been interesting to me as other times I needed that number it wasn't so easy to find.)  The phone was answered on the other end and I took a deep breath as I was transferred to the appropriate person to schedule a temple sealing.  

Although there had been no agreement between us, Andy and I had looked at rings and talked about wedding dates.  It had all seemed theoretical at the time, just playing with the what if's of life.  Based on that, I had fallen in love with an autumn date and so when the Sister at the temple asked when I wanted to be married I easily told her September 29.  She asked me whether I wanted a large room or a small room and I quickly said small.  She took down my name and then asked, "What is the name of the groom?"  Panic seized me.  "The groom doesn't even know about this!" I thought to myself.  "Will lightening strike me down as I have his name recorded in the most Holy place on earth, as an unknowing husband-to-be?"

"The name of the groom?" she prompted again.

I gulped and responded, "Andrew Christopher Shadel."  My ears were burning in humiliation and I was certain she would know my lie.  I had no right to be providing his name as someone who intended to commit his eternity to me.   After nervously giving his birth date, the phone call was over and I hung up wondering what I had gotten myself into.

Then I faced the most alarming thought of the morning as I wondered how in the world I would tell Andy what I had done.

To be continued in Telling Andy

Written on the ten year anniversary of the day it happened.