Trusting God - Cancer

After a few final and fitful moments in a state of dreaming, consciousness clarified in my mind and I knew it was morning. I began the day with one matter of fact thought: "I might have cancer." And I'll confess, it was a jarring introduction to my day -one that I've never experienced before.


Today I am waiting for a phone call. It probably isn't as scary as it sounds. I'm just waiting for a phone call to schedule an appointment. An appointment to go get a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound.


Yesterday the doctor found a lump on my right breast.


It's probably just a cyst. (Which means not cancerous and no big deal.)

Probably.
Most likely.
That's really common.


My lump moves which is a good sign. So the instruction was, "Don't worry, it's likely just a cyst and those usually go away on their own in about two weeks. But since you've noticed signs of this lump for more than two weeks now we should get it checked. You don't need to rush into the mammogram... but get it done this week."

Last September I went in for an annual exam. The doctor did a breast exam and reminded me of the importance of doing self exams. She was more thorough than any doctor I'd ever been to in explaining the different steps to take, what to look for, and how often I should do it.


On Christmas Eve I was getting out of the shower and I thought, "What the heck, I should do that visual exam thing she talked about." So I stood in front of the mirror, lifted my arms above my head, and thought, "That's weird. The bottom of my right breast is flat. I've never noticed that before. That doesn't seem normal."

But it was Christmas Eve. And I have a tendency towards anxieties and paranoia's. So I tucked that bit of information into the back of my head and had a marvelous Christmas.


After a few days with no changes I started researching breast cancer symptoms. The only one that seemed related to what I was seeing was the "dimpling" and "puckering" of the breast. Flat wasn't dimpled or puckered, but was it on it's way to that? I showed Andrew to see if he agreed that there was a distinct flatness.


I continued to watch it and noticed that while there was still not a distinct puckering or dimpling like we saw in internet searches, there was beginning to be a change from flatness to a slight pulling up in the middle. I showed Andrew just before I left on some errands. A few minutes later I had a text from him showing me a screen shot of someone on the internet with a similar situation. The advise that had been given to her was to not worry but to go to the doctor. He decided I should follow that same counsel. But it was the weekend so we waited.


On Monday morning I looked decided to call the doctor. My stomach was in knots and I felt shaky with anxiety for the entire ten minutes of holding, waiting for someone to answer. I hated the idea of trying to tell the nurse what I needed an appointment for. "Well, I noticed a very slight, hardly noticeable change on my breast and want to know if the doctor thinks it's cancer..." I just had visions of getting in there and having the doctor not even able to see what I was talking about.

But the appointment got made. And then I got really stressed out. My anxiety fluctuated between the reality that me calling to schedule an appointment meant that I really believed that there could be something seriously wrong, and the idea that the doctor wouldn't see anything and it would be an awkward, uncomfortable and fruitless visit. I had about 45 minutes of sitting in my car in front of Laurie's preschool to stew about it. Then I had a hectic afternoon and didn't have time to worry until I was at the doctor's office.

My appointment was about 15 minutes late. I had looked in the mirror three times during the day to try to see what the doctor would see. I felt like the shape had changed again and my eyes felt blurry as I just wondered to myself... "Is it just shadows? Is something really here? Is the doctor going to think I'm crazy?"


The doctor immediately said she could see what I was talking about. She did an exam, and found a lump in the exact spot that made sense for the pulling on my skin. She ordered a diagnostic mammogram (right breast in the 7:00 position) and an ultrasound. And now I am just waiting to get those scheduled.

My sister asked me what my gut is about all of this. I can't tell. I know I feel peaceful. I know I trust God. I know that it's likely nothing. I feel like it is very possibly more than nothing. I feel like I might be at the cusp of a difficult journey. I feel like that might be more of an emotional projection than a spiritual revelation. I feel impatient for the next step. I feel overwhelmed with the possibilities. I feel silly for feeling so stuck in waiting and for spending so much time obsessing over something that could potentially be a small and insignificant blip in my medical life. Most of all, I feel like it will be OK. Maybe that means there is nothing wrong. Maybe that means I have cancer, but I'll get through it. Maybe that means I have cancer and I'll die and that in the eternal scheme of things that's fine too. I don't know what it means. But I know that Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me. He will take care of me and of my family. And it will be OK.