One Step

"Strengthen home and family."

These are the words that have been beating in my mind like a drum as of late.  Every breathe, every heartbeat, every moment I am consumed with the thoughts, "strengthen home and family."

The words are familiar to me.  They are the purpose of Relief Society (the women's organization in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints).  But now they are becoming personal.  These words aren't just generic ideals, but a specific directive to me, with individual meaning.

Three years ago I began my journey seeking a college degree.  I started back to college pursuing the degree that was my obvious choice: Psychology.  But once back, I felt driven to pursue another personal goal of mine - a Computer Science degree.  Either way, my plan was to spend three more years finishing my goal.  If I went the route of Psychology it would be one year to finish my BS degree and two years of grad school.  If it was my Computer Science degree, it would be three years to finish the undergrad.  Or, as it turns out, I could spend three years towing the line of both and feeling that little progress is being made with either.

Still, I tried to follow the promptings I received as I selected my path each semester.  And although the progress in school has felt minimal at best, I have felt myself being a student of the Lord through the experiences and opportunities He has granted me during these times.

Shortly after I became the Relief Society President in my ward, my path seemed more clear.  I came to realize that my involvement in a women's organization where my opportunity was to help, serve, and teach was what I was passionate about.  My calling as president is expected to be about one year.  I realized that when a year was up, I wouldn't be done.  I came to understand that I want my life work to be about helping women.  That by helping women, I would be strengthening homes and families.

But as time went on, I continued to struggle with the idea of "giving up" in my pursuit of a computer degree.  The next semester I signed up for two classes that would benefit both degrees, and Calculus that does nothing for Psychology, but is a personal goal.  Ever since I was a little girl watching a high school aged neighbor come get tutoring from my dad for her calculus class, I wanted to finish calculus myself.  Sitting at the table, watching him help her with her math problems, I decided I wanted to be the parent who could tutor my own children and wouldn't need to send them to the neighbor.

I kept thinking that as long as I finish this calculus class, I might as well take the next one.  And if I take the next one, I might as well take the science requirements.  And if I take those requirements, I might as well finish the computer science degree.  I just couldn't let it go.

Then my grandparents needed some help and I was fortunate to be in a situation where I could be there to offer some of that assistance.  I was reminded how much I want to work with people - to help and to serve. I have continuously debated because people with computer science degrees can fulfill these goals.  They can help and serve and bless the lives of others.

But finally - FINALLY - after three years of struggle, I feel confident in a direction.  Personal revelation has given me an understanding of what Heavenly Father wants me to do.  I have taken school slowly because of Peter's young age.  Next year I will continue to go slow and finish off my Psychology degree over the two semesters.  This will be his last year before attending school ALL day.  I hope to enjoy this time with him even as I finish my own goal.

It is time for me to start preparing for graduate school.  This means volunteer work and service opportunities.  I am so excited.  I have been hesitant to get involved in anything "extra".  I have already felt pulled too many directions and unable to be as present in the home as a wife and mother as I wish I could be.  And now, I am finding a peace that is telling me that the time is here.  

A month ago I didn't have room for these things in my life, but suddenly Heavenly Father is telling me it's time.  I am grateful to know that Heavenly Father knows my name and is willing to guide me.  For years I have struggled to decide between two degrees, and I just haven't known where to go.  For years the answers I had kept me connected to both degrees.  They kept my progress minimal in a way that allowed us to live where we live (which requires student status at a certain number of credit hours each semester).  Had I selected one or the other degree, we would be done by now.  But Heavenly Father sent us here, to our friends and neighbors because he knew this was where we could grow and learn in the ways HE wanted us to.  And now, after the trial of our faith, He is giving me the next step, which is to finish my BS in Psychology next year.  And while doing that, I will be working to strengthen my own home and family as best as I can and also hope to serve others through volunteer opportunities.  (I have two or three options in mind already and I'm excited to see which ones come to fruition.)

It is a neat thing to feel the Spirit of the Lord directing you day by day.  It is amazing in a different way, to feel the answers coming to the questions that linger for years.  I have been blessed by both and feel awed and grateful to a loving Heavenly Father.

I still have questions.  My path is not completely clear.  But I know that I am one step closer to becoming the person Heavenly Father wants me to be.  And that just feels good.