Thoughts in December

Last week I turned thirty-three.

I have been continually thinking that the Savior was thirty-three when He finished His earthly ministry.

I feel like there is meaning for me to find in that.

But I haven't found it yet.

***

I have been riding an emotional high for the past several months.

There have been some hard moments, but overall, I've been really happy.

Something changed - and I don't know why.

Now I have some happy moments, but overall, I've been really struggling.

I'm not sure what to do with that.

***

I feel like there are answers:

knowledge;

understanding;

peace;

growth -

just beyond my grasp.

Clarity starts to form in my mind,

then melts away before I can gain hold.

Recently I have felt that every day brings me a miracle.

Mostly they are miracles of comfort.

Usually in the form of a friend:

A kind gesture, a thought, a prayer.

With daily miracles, why am I struggling as much as I am?

Sometimes that miracle comes in the form of understanding.

Knowledge as I see the hand of God working in my life -

or in the life of someone around me.

The Spirit touches me - testifies to me.

And I feel blessed to witness the power of God.

I have been keenly aware, lately, of the individuality of God's love.

Quite by mistake, I recently became aware of the most private struggles of someone I know.

But I also became aware, in part, of her healing.

And although I am embarassed to have stumbled upon parts of her life that weren't mine to know,

I have been strengthened by her experience.

It reminds me that Heavenly Father knows us all.

He loves us all.

He takes care of us all.

And we all receive the answers and guidance we need.

I continue to flounder  - facing daily miracles and daily agony.

Opposition is playing it's part well these days.

But I know where to turn for peace.

It is easier than it used to be.

At thirty I was stronger than I was at twenty-seven.

At thirty-three I am stronger than I was at thirty.

I hope to continue this pattern in my life.

I am still on my journey

Line upon line.

Similtaneously I am blessed and I struggle.

This past year, at a funeral, someone explained that

Even though we have a knowledge of the resurrection -

Even though we know that families can be together forever -

the loss of a loved one can be painful.

This hurt doesn't take away from the miracle of eternal life;

It doesn't subtract from the healing granted through our Savior.

Rather, the loss, the hurt, the pain, is what makes the joyful reunion so sweet.

I feel the weight of difficulty in my life right now.

Daily I fight back tears - of exhaustion, of sadness, of worry.

And then they turn to tears of peace, of comfort, of healing.

When I was younger, I thought that having a knowledge of my Savior meant that life would be easy.

I thought, that because all things were possible in God, I would never face doubt, or fear or sadness.

That because He is the Prince of Peace, I would always have peace in my heart.

Instead, I have learned to be continually stretched.

A loving Father in Heaven has shown me that He will always be with me.

And then He allows me to face situations where I can grow, and He can fill in the gaps.

This is how I have come to know Him -

to trust Him.

I am so very grateful for that babe - born in a manger.

King of kings and Lord of lords.

He is my rock and my Redeemer.